Painting Churches

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A monologue from the play by Tina Howe

MAGS

It was wintertime, because I noticed I’d left some crayons on top of my radiator and they’d melted down into these beautiful shimmering globs, like spilled jello, trembling and pulsing.

Naturally, I wanted to try it myself, so I grabbed a red one and pressed it down against the hissing lid. It oozed and bubbled like raspberry jam!

I mean, that radiator was really hot! It took incredible will power not to let go, but I held on, whispering,

“Mags, if you let go of this crayon, you’ll be run over by a truck on Newberry Street, so help you God!” . . .

So I pressed down harder, my fingers steaming and blistering. Once I’d melted one, I was hooked!

I finished off my entire supply in one night, mixing color over color until my head swam! . . . The heat, the smell, the brilliance that sank and rose . . .

I’d never felt such exhilaration! . . . Every week I spent my allowance on crayons. I must have cleared out every box of Crayolas in the city!

AFTER THREE MONTHS THAT RADIATOR WAS . . . SPECTACULAR! I MEAN, IT LOOKED LIKE SOME COLOSSAL FRUITCAKE, FIVE FEET TALL . . .!

It was a knockout; shimmering with pinks and blues, lavenders and maroons, turquoise and golds, oranges and creams. . . . For every color, I imagined a taste . . .

YELLOW: lemon curls dipped in sugar . . . RED: glazed cherries laced with rum . . . GREEN: tiny peppermint leaves veined with chocolate . . .

PURPLE:— And then the frosting . . .ahhhh, the frosting! A satiny mix of white and silver . . . I kept it hidden under blankets during the day. . . .

My huge . . . (She starts laughing) looming . . . teetering sweet—I was so . . . hungry. . . losing weight every week.

I looked like a scarecrow what with the bags under my eyes and bits of crayon wrapper leaking out of my clothes.

It’s a wonder you didn’t notice. But finally you came to my rescue . . . if you could call what happened a rescue. It was more like a rout! The winter was almost over. . . .

It was very late at night. . . . I must have been having a nightmare because suddenly you and Daddy were at my bed, shaking me. . . .

I quickly glanced towards the radiator to see if it was covered. . . .It wasn’t! It glittered and towered in the moonlight like some . . . gigantic Viennese pastry!

You followed my gaze and saw it. Mummy screamed . . . “WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN HERE? . . .MAGS, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?” . . .

She crept forward and touched it, and then jumped back. “IT’S FOOD!” she cried. . . “IT’S ALL THE FOOD SHE’S BEEN SPITTING OUT!

OH, GARDNER, IT’S A MOUNTAIN OF ROTTING GARBAGE!” Of course in a sense you were right. It was a monument of my castoff dinners, only I hadn’t built it with food. . . .

I found my own materials. I was languishing with hunger, but oh, dear Mother . . . I FOUND MY OWN MATERIALS . . . !

Read the play here

Check out our monologue archive below for more monologues.

DEAD SPECIAL CRABS (KATHY)LAMP POST (BRITTANY)
HOUSE OF BLUE LEAVES (BUNNY)LAUNDRY AND BOURBON (HATTIE)
FADE (LUCIA)THE GODDESS OF MURDEROUS RAIN (PARKER)
SEX CURVE (ROBYN)THE TUTOR (MEREDITH)
THE ELECTRIC BABY (NATALIA)A GIRLS GUIDE TO COFFEE (ALEX)
TOLSTOY IN NEW JERSEY (GLENDA)TURN! TURN! TURN! (DIANE)
A BRIGHT ROOM CALLED DAY ( ZILLAH) PAINTING CHURCHES (MAGS)
THE NORWEGIANS (BETTY)THE NORWEGIANS (BETTY – 2)
PARAFFIN (DENA)RX (ALLISON)
TAKING BACK HALLOWEEN (WITCH)PRINCIPIA (ERIS)
ACT A LADY (LORNA)ARE WE THERE YET? (AMANDA)
A TIME FOR EVERYTHING (OLIVE)VAUDEVILLE (YVETTE)
LOVE AND MARRIAGE AND ALL THAT STUFF (SHERRY)THE MOTHERFU**ER WITH THE HAT (VERONICA)
LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS (JEANETTE)CLOUD NINE (BETTY)
THE LACY PROJECT (CHARLOTTE)THE LACY PROJECT (GISELLE)
WILD WITH HAPPY (AUNT GLO – 2)YOU FOR ME FOR YOU (TIFFANY)
MORNING AFTER GRACE (ABIGAIL)STATE OF THE ART (CHLOE)
THE TINKER’S WEDDING (MARY)WATCH YOUR HEAD (ACTRESS)
DEAD AND BREATHING (VERONIKA)DETROIT ’67 (BUNNY)
LIVE BROADCAST (JANE)LUCY LOVES ME (LUCY)
ROUGH SKETCH (BARBARA)SCAB (ANIMA)
IN THE DAYLIGHT (CHARLOTTE)GOD GAVE US AUNTS (AUNT KELLY)
THE UNDERSTUDY (ROXANNE)RAT WIVES (JANET)
BUMS (EVELYN)COURTSHIP (LAURA)
DARN IT! DARLA! (PORTIA)THE LOVEBIRDS (MARNIE)
WHERE’S MY MONEY? (CELESTE)DON’T TALK TO THE ACTORS (BEATRICE)
HAPPY HOUR OUTING (JESSE)SUN DRIED (MARY LOUISE)
UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION (JOSIE)SINGLE BLACK FEMALE (SBF2)
TRANSATLANTIC (FIONA)U.S. DRAG (ALLISON)
THE OTHER GENIUS (FIONA)SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER (KATE)
BUNNY (KATIE) MY FAIR LADY (ELIZA)
IN SERVICE OF VENUS (BACK OF HOUSE)KITCHEN SINK DRAMA (JOY)
FOURTEEN (MRS. PRINGLE)SIXTY YEARS, TO LIFE (GWEN)
MONTHS ON END (HEIDI)NOVEMBER (MRS. PRIKOSOVITS)
ALL-AMERICAN (BETH)BRIDGE AND TUNNEL (NIKKI)
FABULATION, OR THE RE-EDUCATION OF UNDINE (UNDINE)POETIC LICENCE (DIANE)
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED... (KARLA)GORGONS (MILDRED)
HOMECOMING (LAUREN)LOOKING FOR NORMAL (PATTY ANN)
THE HOUSE OF BLUE LEAVES (BANANAS)THE VERI**ON PLAY (CAROL)
THE BELLE OF BELMAR (LORNA)SUBURBAN NIGHTMARES (KAREN)
BOOK OF DAYS (MARTHA)CONTROL FREAKS (SISTER)
AFTER (SUSIE)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (DOLLY)
MR. PERFECT (ZOOEY)TWO-PIECE (ELLIE)
BLACK SHEEP (ELLE)BLOWN SIDEWAYS THROUGH LIFE (CLAUDIA)
LIVE AND IN COLOR (FLOTILDA)YOO HOO AND HANK WILLIAMS (AMY)
IMMEDIATE FAMILY (NINA)JIHAD JONES AND THE KALASHNIKOV BABES (CASSANDRA)
ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL (HELEN)ALTER EGOS (LERLENE)
WILD WITH HAPPY (ADELAIDE)WILD WITH HAPPY (AUNT GLO)
YIDDISH LOVE (MRS. RATUN-SKY)ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS (CASEY)
THE SECRET OF LIFE (CARLA) THE MAN WHO LIKED D*CK (FELICITY)
SAVED OR DESTROYED (LUCILLE)THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING (PATTY)
DEAD ACCOUNTS (JENNY)DETROIT (MARY)
GOD OF CARNAGE (ANNETTE)THE FOOD CHAIN (AMANDA)
THE EXPLORERS CLUB (PHYLLIDA)TOO TOO SOLID FLESH (CHLOE)
THE FUTURE IS NOT WHAT IT WAS (GRETE)THE TIGER AMONG US (LIA)
WILLIE, THE ANGELIC CHILD (MOTHER)MINNIE AT THE SKATING RINK (MINNIE)
FLYING LEAP (AUNT CRYSTAL)ENFRASCADA (CAT)
WELCOME TO MY HEAD (ERIN)THE WHY OVERHEAD (KAREN)
FEDRA (FEDRA)MRS. GILHOOLEY’S BUNGALOO (MRS. GILHOOLEY)
THE BEARD OF AVON (ANNE)THE CRAZY TIME (KATE)
AMY AND THE ORPHANS (KATHY)ANIMAL (RACHEL)
BY FAITH ALONE (MRS. FREDERICK BELMONT-TOWERS)NO SMOKING (LADY)
THE LAST DAYS OF JUDAS ISCARIOT (SAINT MONICA)PASSIVE BELLIGERENCE (GAIL)
WASHER/DRYER (SONYA)VINO VERITAS (CLAIRE)
AND HER HAIR WENT WITH HER (KEISHA)AND HER HAIR WENT WITH HER (DENISE)
OHIO (JANICE)CHARGE (MARTHA)
THE BUTCHER OF BARABOO (GAIL)CHRISTMAS BELLES (GENEVA)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM (SARAH)
HIPPOPOTAMUS (GLORY)
REGRETS ONLY (SPENCER)BAD DATES (HALEY)
THE PROFESSION (ROSETTA)THE ROMANTIC YOUNG LADY (DONA BARBARITA)
THE HOMELESS SECRETARY (PAT)HUNGRY (BARB)
EVE’S DIARY (EVE)SCUBA LESSONS (KELLY)
MAIDS OF HONOR (IZZY)MAIDS OF HONOR (MONICA)
A LEAP YEAR LEAP (MARTHA)LUCK (MRS. FULSOM)
EVE’S DIARY (EVE 2)SIS HOPKINS’ AUDITION (SIS HOPKINS)
RADIANCE (MAY)SEED (RASHAWN)
KURU (MARY LOU)LETTICE & LOVAGE (LETTICE)
HER FIRST SCREEN TEST (GIRL)JUMP/CUT (KAREN)
GOD’S COUNTRY (ACTOR SIX)IMAGINING BRAD (DANA)
OFFICE SONATA (MARISA)PALESTRINA (BECKY)
DEMON WINE (MARY)Florida Girls (Eulene)
THE LADY WITH ALL THE ANSWERS (EPPIE)LARRY AND THE WEREWOLF (SPIKE)
LOOKING (VAL)MAKE ME A MATCH (STEVIE)
BLINK OF AN EYE (CELESTE)BELLES (PEGGY)
WHITE ELEPHANTS (GISELLE)BY THE SEA: DUSK (DANA)
MY DEAH (MY DEAH)MARTIAN GOTHIC (SONIA)
HOLD PLEASE (JESSICA)SEEING STARS IN DIXIE (MARJORIE)
SHOUT (RED GIRL)SHOUT (GREEN GIRL)
THE ALTRUISTS (SYDNEY)DOWN FOR THE COUNT (WENDY)
POST MORTEM (BETSY)

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