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A monologue from the play by Mary MacMillan
NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Short Plays. Mary MacMillan. Cincinnati: Stewart & Kidd Company, 1913.
There are two policemen outside. Yes, two large, capable, robust, red-faced, blue policemen. They want Roger Campbell! They have a warrant for his arrest and they’ve tracked him here.
They won’t be dissuaded. They say they are very sorry to upset our tea but that the law is the law. They are very nice about it. They say they’re willing to come in anywhere,
through the roof and attic by means of a ladder, or through a cellar window, or the back kitchen door. They are not intent upon the front door and the drawing room. But even with their manners, it is so dreadful.
They say he’d much better be told so he can sneak out the back door with them quietly, but, of course, no one wants to tell him. Oh, Mr. Mellicent, couldn’t you break the news to him–you could do it so gently.
Or, better still, go and persuade those policemen to go away! How eloquent you are even in such adverse circumstances! How persuasive! It’s so nice of you to help Mr. Campbell out like this!
Go on, then, Mr. Mellicent! The police aren’t here for you, no, it’s Mr. Campbell they want. Poor Mr. Campbell. He’ll be so grateful. Oh, but … ahh … do be a gem and leave your tea.