White Elephants – Monologue (Giselle)

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A monologue from the play by Jane Martin

GISELLE (any age)

Giselle is welcoming the new arrivals to Heaven, which, it turns out, is where all the wealthy white Republicans go.

Good morning, and to all our cherubim and seraphim inductees, we would like to welcome you to Republican Heaven. If you’ll all just flap over here and hover for a minute or two, I’ll give you the introductory.

First of all, you’ll be pleased to know liberals don’t go to heaven; it’s music we want around here — not whining. You may have noticed there are not black people here; that’s not racism — that’s interior design.

Actually, we do have African Americans, but anyone who is black and Republican has to be so crazy we keep them in a separate space. This isn’t about Apartheid; this is about mental health.

After the period of acclimatization, many of you will become guardian angels. This means you look after people on earth who make more than $250,000 annually. They’ll be up here with us eventually, and we don’t want them damaged or scratched.

Obviously, most harpists come from high-income families, plus seeing as we’re here together for eternity, we prefer you’ve gone to cotillion. And, as we say here in Heaven, it’s about manners, manners, manners.

Dress code: ties for the gentlemen; ankle-length skirts for the ladies. Please socialize, but remember our house rules: no free needle exchange; no condoms (angels practice abstinence); and definitely no abortion.

Pick up your tax rebates on the table to the left and, remember, your heirs will not be paying estate taxes. Hey, if this isn’t Heaven, what the hell is, huh? You’ll notice the banners, the ice cream cake, the party poppers —

that’s just our endless preparations for Strom and Jesse. All right, seraphim and cherubim, let’s mingle, fox-trot, dove hunt, and swap stories about Tuscany.

One final thought about our timing and good fortune — you don’t have to be down there during a Republican presidency. Joking.

Read the play here

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