20 Funny Male Monologues From Movies
1. Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery
A monologue from the screenplay written by Mike Myers
The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.
Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really.
At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my t*sticles. There really is nothing like a shorn scr*tum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
2. Fools Rush In
A monologue from the screenplay by Johnny Mercer
This afternoon, I couldn’t decide between a tamale and a tuna melt, but my life made sense. And now, I know exactly what I want, and my life doesn’t make any sense.
And I was doing fine this afternoon, I was doing great! That was me then. But I don’t know, somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt’s tamales… and they were really great.
I was afraid that I had already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaner’s or something and I was just too busy to notice. But now I’m here and I see that that’s not true because.. it’s you. Isabel, you’re the one!
You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I’m not even sure what that means exactly, but I think it has something to do with the rest of my life! And I think we should get married. Right now!
3. Reservoir Dogs
A monologue from the screenplay written by Quentin Tarantino
Let me tell you what “Like a Virgin’” is about. It’s all about a girl who digs a guy with a big d*ck. The entire song, it’s a metaphor for big d*cks. Like a Virgin’s not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella.
That’s what True Blue’s about. Now, granted, no argument about that…Let me tell you what Like a Virgin’s about. It’s all about this cooze who’s a regular f***machine.
I’m talkin’ morning, day, night, afternoon, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck… Then one day, she meets this John Holmes motherf***er, and it’s like, whoa baby. I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in “The Great Escape”.
He’s digging tunnels. She’s getting this serious d*ck action and she’s feelin’ something she ain’t felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn’t hurt her. You know, her pu**y should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat f***s her, it hurts.
It hurts just like it did the first time. You see, the pain is reminding a f*** machine what it was once like to be a virgin. Hence … Like a Virgin.
4. The Producers
A monologue from the Broadway musical written by Mel Brooks
I’m drowning! I’m drowning here! I’m going down for the last time! I…I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farm house. And I white picket fence…
I’m running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex — Rex, stop it! — I see my mother, standing in the back porch in a worn but clean gingham gown. And she’s calling out to me…
“Alvin! Don’t forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin’ and the cows need a-milkin’! Alvin! Alvin! Al–” Wait a minute, my name’s not Alvin.
That’s not my life! I’m not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo’s taken everything, even my past!
5. Step Brothers
A monologue from the screenplay written by Will Ferrell and Adam Mckay
Listen to me. Dale, look, when I was a kid…when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex more than anything in the world.
I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard…and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me.
And then one day, my dad said, “Bobby, you’re 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside.” And I said, “Okay, Pop.” But he didn’t really say that, he said, “Stop being a f***ing dinosaur and get a job.”
But, you know, I thought to myself, “I’ll go to medical school…l’ll practice for a little while, and then I’ll come back to it. […] But I forgot how to do it. […] Hey, I lost it.
[…] The point is… don’t lose your dinosaur.
6. American Pie
A monologue from the screenplay by Adam Herz
Son, I wanted to talk to you about what I think you were trying to do the other day. Now, you may have tried it in the shower, or maybe in bed at night, and not even known what you were doing.
Or perhaps you’ve heard your friends talking about it in the locker room. Sure you know, son, but I think you’ve been having a little problem with it. It’s okay, though.
What you’re doing is perfectly normal. It’s like practice. Like when you play tennis against a wall. Someday, there’ll be a partner returning the ball.
You do want a partner, don’t you son? Now remember, it’s okay to play with yourself. Or, as I always called it — (elbows Jim) “Stroke the salami!” (chuckles) Ho-ho, Jim.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I’m fifty-two, and I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle Mort m*sturbates. We all m*sturbate.
7. City Slickers
A monologue from the screenplay by Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz
‘Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do.
Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” In your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin.
The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery.
Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. The seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before.
And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering “how come the kids don’t call?”
By your eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?’
8. Coming To America
A monologue from the screen play by David Sheffield
But you know, when I look at these contestants! For the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, I feel good! I feel good, because I know there’s a God somewhere! There’s a God somewhere!
Turn around ladies for me please! You know there’s a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this! Larry Flynt! Hugh Hefner! They can take the picture, but you can’t make it!
Only God above, the Hugh Hefner on high, can make it for ya! … Do you love Him? Do you feel joy? Say “Joy”! Joy! Can I get an “Ahe-men”? Don’t be ashamed to call His name! …
Only God can give that woman the kind of joy she has right there! Make a joyful noise unto the Lord! … Amen! Yes, sir! Can I get an “Amen”?
Ha! Ha! I don’t know what you come to do, but I come to praise the name! Lord, Lord!
9. Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl
A monologue from the screenplay written primarily by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio
Whose boons? Your boons? Utterly deceptive twaddle-speak, says I. (Pause) Cuttlefish. Aye. Let us not, dear friends, forget our dear friends, the cuttlefish.
Flipping glorious little sausages. Pen them up together, they’ll devour each other without a second thought. Human nature, isn’t it? Or…. fish nature.
So, yes, we could hole up here well-provisioned and well-armed. Half of us would be dead within the month. Which seems quite grim to me, any way you slice it…
Or… uh…. as my learned colleague so naively suggests, we can release Calypso, and we can pray that she will be merciful…
I rather doubt it. Can we pretend she’s anything other than a woman scorned like which fury hell hath no? We cannot. Res ipsa loquitur, tabula in naufragio.
We are left with but one option. I agree with, and I cannot believe the words are coming out of me mouth… Captain Swann. We must fight.
10. 30 Minutes Or Less
A monologue from the screenplay by Michael Diliberti and Matthew Sullivan
I remember the summer after my mother passed was the first year they had the Monopoly game at McDonald’s. I musta come here three times a day trying to collect all the game pieces.
Packed on 20 pounds, got acne from all the grease. The Major said I was the fattest, ugliest 13-year-old he ever laid eyes on. But I didn’t care, I just wanted to win the money and get the f— out of there.
So, one night, I followed this skinny register kid home, jumped him. I kept whaling on him, asking him where they were hiding the Park Place piece. The million dollar prize.
But he didn’t know s—. A year later, The Major won the lotto. I asked him for a Sega Genesis. He bought me one of those paddles with the ball attached.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve gone through some dark times since then. Depression. Addiction to a variety of s—, which I won’t go into.
I know you must think that’s pretty silly, especially since you manage to get through the day and you don’t got s— going on as compared to me. But that’s just the way it is. That’s life.