A monologue from the screenplay by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig
Annie
I told you she wanted to go to Paris. I told you Paris! I told you! What, you’re going to go to Paris with Helen now?!
Are you going to ride around on bikes with berets and f***ing baguettes in the basket of the front of your bikes?
How romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it aren’t we?
Yes, we’re all thinking it. Right? Lillian this is not the ‘you’ I know.
The ‘you’ that I know, would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and thought this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid.
Look at this shower! LOOK at that f***ing COOKIE!! Did you really think this group of women would finish that cookie?
Hey, you know what!? That reminds me, I don’t think I ever got a piece! Stupid f***ing cookie! Yes, we’re all thinking it.
Right? Oooh, delicious! Ooo! Maybe it’s better if I dip it in the CHOCOLATE!! Is this what you want Lillian!?
Nothing says friendship like 1,000 gallons of unsanitary chocolate! Ow, ow, ow! What am I doing? Well, let me fill you in.
Ever since you got engaged, everything has turned to sh*t. It’s all her fault. It’s not mine. You would know that if you got your beautiful-haired-head out of your a**hole.
In fact, out of her a**hole! WHICH I’M SURE IS PERFECTLY BLEACHED! I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you.
Are you honestly and truly going to Prom with Katrina De Voort? Leah, just said that you were gonna go with her.
Your mom must be pretty stoked that you’re not taking me. I’m not mad. I’m in a great mood.
I mean despite the fact that, well, I’m in a fat suit that I can’t take off and despite the fact that pretty much everyone’s makin’ fun of me behind my back.
And despite the fact that you’re little girlfriend gave me the stink eye in our class yesterday. Yeah… what you just take soupy sales to Prom.
I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like you know what, Bleek? I might pumice my feet.
Um… I might go to Brenstone Unitarian Church. Maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know?
Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to Prom with you. Why? Cause I… got bored and had sex with you?
And I didn’t want to like, marry you? Right… you just take Katrina in the douche packer to Prom. I’m sure you two will have like, a real b*tchin’ time.
I still have your virginity. What, are you ashamed that we did it? Because at least you don’t have to have the evidence under your sweater.
A monologue from the screenplay by Tina Fey (Based on the book by Rosalind Wiseman)
Gretchen
Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet?
What’s so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. ‘K, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar.
People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh?
Because that’s not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar!
Ms. Norbury
Regina George. Every girl here is afraid of you. I’m afraid of you half the time. But I’ve met girls like you before and I can tell you,
if you don’t change your life, you’re about ten years away from being a divorced Real Estate agent with chipped nail tips.
And don’t think Regina is the meanest girl in this school. I have never met anybody as mean as Jessica Lopez.
I’ve seen Jessica Lopez make a girl cry just by looking at her. Do it, Jessica.
You guys wear your tiny little t-shirts that say “Princess” and “Diva” and you act like you’ve got it all under control, but I know you’re freaking out inside.
You feel like everybody else has some kind of secret guidebook on how to be perfect and cute and you’re just a goon.
That’s cause you’re still changing. Not everybody looks their best at 15. (to an awkward girl) Annika.
You’re gonna hit your peak in five years. (to another awkward girl) Emily, it’s all gonna happen for you in your thirties.
You’re gonna be, like – (sexy voice) “I teach yoga in Los Angeles” Karen, you are at your peak right now. Take a lot of pictures.
Wear your bathing suit whenever possible. This is it for you.
A monologue from the screen play by Cheri Lovedog & Robin Whitehouse
Jacki
All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a rock and roll star. I was this dorky seventh grader from the Valley when I had my first cool experience.
My boyfriend, Johnny Miller, had his dad drive us to see Ike and Tina Turner at the Hollywood Bowl.
Oh man… she scared the sh*t out of me! It was the most bad-assed thing I’d ever seen a woman do.
Suddenly, the idea of becoming a teacher or a nurse lost its edge. Heh, sorry mom.
The second after I’d got my driver’s license, I grabbed my fake ID, jumped into my Pinto, and headed straight over the hill for Hollywood.
I saw the band X at The Whiskey and I fell in love with punk rock. I left that show knowing I had to have my own band.
So I got an electric guitar, learned three chords, and conned some chicks into starting a band with me.
That was 20 years ago. Today, and God knows how many bands later, not much has changed. Not the gigs, not the clubs, not the money.
Tonight we made 13.50 each. Not even enough to support my eyeliner habit. And what lucky ladies get to share this glamorous life with me?
Let me introduce you to my band. That’s Faith. Guitar god by night, guitar teacher by day. Oh man, she loves her guitar!
I think she only stopped sleeping with it when she started sleeping with Sally. That’s Sally. Let’s see… if Shirley Temple and Keith Moon had a love child, she’d definitely be Sally.
That beautiful mess is Tracy. Lucky for her, she’s a trust fund baby. And a great bass player. Oh.. there’s Jessica.
Must be Friday. I’ve spent over twenty years… living breathing f***ing sucking eating sleeping dreaming all things rock and roll.
It never occured to me that I might not make it. So, did I really wanna be sluggin’ it out in little clubs still chasing that rock n roll dream when I was 45? 50?
How about f***in’ 60? I mean, at what point do I become a joke? In two days I’ll be 40… and surprise surprise, I ain’t no rock star.
I could quit, and become the bitter old b*tch who devoted her whole life to rock and roll and never succeeded… or,
I could stick with it and become the bitter old b*tch who refused to give up. Hmm…bitter rock chick in a band…bitter rock chick without a band.
Either way, bitter and rock and roll end up together
8. Clueless
A monologue from the screenplay by Amy Heckerling
Cher 1 (voice-over)
Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me.
It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless… Oh and this whole Josh and Ty thing was wiggin’ me more than anything.
I mean, what was my problem? Ty is my pal, I don’t begrudge her a boyfriend. I really… (looks into a store window)
Oooh! I wonder if they have that in my size! (comes out of the store with bags in tow) What does she want with Josh anyway?
He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he’s not even cute in a conventional way… I mean, he’s just like this slug that hangs around the house all the time! Ugh!
And he’s a hideous dancer, couldn’t take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about, this is like, Josh.
Okay, okay……so he’s kind of a Baldwin. What would he want with Ty, she couldn’t make him happy,
Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes in case he ever makes any…the suddenly….(pause)
Oh my god! I love Josh! I’m majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh! But now I don’t know how to act around him.
I mean normally I’d strut around in my cutest little outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn’t do that stuff with Josh.
Cher 2
So, O.K., like the Haitians need to come to America but some people are all, “What about the sprain on our resources?”
And it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday and it’s all catered, you know, I said “R.S.V.P.” because it’s a sit down dinner. O.K.?
People come that like, didn’t R.S.V.P.! And I’m buggin’.
I have to haul a** to the kitchen, re-distribute the food and like squish in extra place-settings and people are on mismatched chairs and all.
But by the end of the day it was like “the more, the merrier”.
And so if the government could just get to the kitchen and re-arrange some things we could certainly party with Haitians.
And in conclusion, may I remind you that it doesn’t say “R.S.V.P.” on the Statue of Liberty.
This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times.
What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse.
You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you.
Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here.
Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann?
She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin.
The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out.
And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting.
Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women.
It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as f***ed a group as can ever exist.
(talking, through tears, about the last minutes with Shelby)
I stayed there. I kept on pushing…just like I always have where Shelby was concerned…hoping she‟d sit up and argue with me.
But finally we all realized there was no hope. At that point I panicked. I was afraid that I wouldn’t survive the next few minutes while they turned off the machines.
Drum couldn‟t take it. He left. Jackson couldn’t take it. He left. It struck me as amusing. Men are supposed to be made of steel or something.
But I couldn’t leave. I just sat there holding Shelby‟s hand while the sounds got softer and the beeps got farther apart until all was quiet.
There was no noise, no tremble. Just peace. I realized as a woman how lucky I was.
I was there when this wonderful person drifted into this world, and I was there when she drifted out.
It was the most precious moment of my life so far.
I remember how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like “collateral” and “rendition” became frightening…
while things like “Norsefire” and the “Articles of Allegiance” became powerful. I remember how “different” became dangerous.
I still don’t understand it. Why they hate us so much.
They took Ruth while she was out buying food. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. It wasn’t long till they came for me.
It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologised to no-one.
I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch but one. An inch – it is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having.
We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that, whoever you are, you escape this place.
I hope that the world turns and that things get better.
But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you,
and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.
A monologue from the screenplay by Hubert Selby Jr. & Darren Aronofsky
SARA GOLDFARB
I’m somebody now, Harry. Everybody likes me. Soon, millions of people will see me and they’ll all like me.
I’ll tell them about you, and your father, how good he was to us. Remember?
It’s a reason to get up in the morning. It’s a reason to lose weight, to fit in the red dress. It’s a reason to smile.
It makes tomorrow all right. What have I got Harry, hmm?
Why should I even make the bed, or wash the dishes? I do them, but why should I? I’m alone. Your father’s gone, you’re gone.
I got no one to care for. What have I got, Harry? I’m lonely.
I’m old. Ah, it’s not the same. They don’t need me. I like the way I feel. I like thinking about the red dress and the television and you and your father.
A monologue from the screenplay by Paddy Chayefsky
LOUISE SCHUMACHER
Then get out. Go anywhere you want. Go to a hotel, go live with her, but don’t come back!
Because, after 25 years of building a home and raising a family and all the senseless pain that we have inflicted on each other,
I’m damned if I’m gonna stand here and have you tell me you’re in love with somebody else! Because this isn’t a convention weekend with your secretary, is it?
Or, or some broad that you picked up after three belts of booze. This is your great winter romance, isn’t it?
Your last roar of passion before you settle into your emeritus years. Is that what’s left for me? Is that my share?
She gets the winter passion and I get the dotage? What am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to sit at home knitting and purling while you slink back like some penitent drunk? I’m your wife, damn it!
And if you can’t work up a winter passion for me, the least I require is respect and allegiance! …
A monologue from the screenplay by Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor
MAYA
I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing;
how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes.
And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now.
I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive.
And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline.
A monologue from the screenplay by James V. Hart & Michael Goldenberg
ELLIE ARROWAY
Because I can’t. I… had an experience… I can’t prove it, I can’t even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real!
I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever…
A vision… of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how… rare, and precious we all are!
A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone!
I wish… I… could share that… I wish, that everyone, if only for one… moment, could feel… that awe, and humility, and hope.
A monologue from the screenplay by Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, & Ethan Hawke
CELINE
I was fine, until I read your f***ing book! It stirred sh*t up, you know?
It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it’s like, I don’t believe in anything that relates to love.
I don’t feel things for people anymore. In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again.
Like, somehow this night took things away from me and I expressed them to you, and you took them with you!
It made me feel cold, like if love wasn’t for me!…
You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It’s funny. Every single of my ex’s, they’re now married!
Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married!
And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and, and that I taught them to care and respect women!…
You know, I want to kill them! Why didn’t they ask me to marry them?
I would have said “No,” but at least they could have asked!! But it’s my fault, I know it’s my fault, because I never felt it was the right man. Never!
But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life?
The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is evil! Right?!…
You know, I guess I’ve been heart-broken too many times. And then I recovered.
So now, you know, from the start I make no effort because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.
