The Best 22 Funny Monologues For Women From Movies
1. Bridesmaids
A monologue from the screenplay by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig
Annie
I told you she wanted to go to Paris. I told you Paris! I told you! What, you’re going to go to Paris with Helen now?! Are you going to ride around on bikes with berets and f***ing baguettes in the basket of the front of your bikes?
How romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it aren’t we? Yes, we’re all thinking it. Right? Lillian this is not the ‘you’ I know.
The ‘you’ that I know, would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and thought this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid. Look at this shower! LOOK at that f***ing COOKIE!! Did you really think this group of women would finish that cookie?
Hey, you know what!? That reminds me, I don’t think I ever got a piece! Stupid f***ing cookie! Yes, we’re all thinking it. Right? Oooh, delicious! Ooo! Maybe it’s better if I dip it in the CHOCOLATE!! Is this what you want Lillian!?
Nothing says friendship like 1,000 gallons of unsanitary chocolate! Ow, ow, ow! What am I doing? Well, let me fill you in. Ever since you got engaged, everything has turned to sh*t. It’s all her fault. It’s not mine.
You would know that if you got your beautiful-haired-head out of your a**hole. In fact, out of her a**hole! WHICH I’M SURE IS PERFECTLY BLEACHED! I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you.
First, here is the personality interview which you are to fill out and return. Now then, are you ready, Harold? Here is the first question. ‘Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?’ Well, I think that’s a yes, don’t you agree, Harold?
‘Should sex education be taught outside the home?’ Oh, I would say no, wouldn’t you, Harold? Yeah, we’ll give a D there. Three: ‘Should women run for president of the United States?’ I don’t see why not. Absolutely yes.
‘Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?’ Well, you don’t do that, do you, Harold? No. Absolutely not. ‘Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn’t worth living?’ Hmm, what is it, Harold? A? B?
Oh, we’ll put C – not sure. ‘Is the subject of sex being overexploited by our mass media?’ Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn’t it? ‘Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?’ No. We’ll mark D.
‘Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?’ Yes, I do indeed. ‘Do you go to sleep easily?’ I’d say so. ‘Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?’ Oh, yes, I do indeed.
‘In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?’ Heavens, no! ‘Can God influence our lives?’ Oh, yes, absolutely yes. ‘Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?’ (Harold points his gun at his mother)
Oh, yes, indeed. That’s absolutely. ‘Did you enjoy life when you were a child?’ Oh, yes, you were a wonderful baby, Harold. ‘Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?’ It certainly has. ‘Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?’
I even find the question distasteful. ‘Do you…’ (gunshot) Harold, please! ‘Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?’ Oh, that’s you, Harold!
I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t enjoy hurting anybody. I don’t like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won’t listen. So I have to use persuasion. And slides. My parents: Sharon and Dave.
Generous. Doting…or where they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. I was ten. And do you know what they got me? MAL-I-BU BAR-BIE! That’s not what I wanted. That’s not who I was.
I was a ballerina. GRACEFUL! DELICATE! They had to go. My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long coronaries, transplants. “Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold.” Husband number two: the senator.
He loved his state. He loved his country. “Sorry, Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example.” Oh, yeah? SET THIS! My latest husband. My late husband, Fester. The corpse, and his adorable family.
They took me in, accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me? So, I…I killed. So, I maimed. So, I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren’t I a human being? Don’t I yearn, and ache, and shop?
Don’t I deserve love? And jewelry? Sorry. Goodbye, everybody! Wish me luck.
Are you honestly and truly going to Prom with Katrina De Voort? Leah, just said that you were gonna go with her. Your mom must be pretty stoked that you’re not taking me. I’m not mad. I’m in a great mood.
I mean despite the fact that, well, I’m in a fat suit that I can’t take off and despite the fact that pretty much everyone’s makin’ fun of me behind my back. And despite the fact that you’re little girlfriend gave me the stink eye in our class yesterday.
Yeah… what you just take soupy sales to Prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like you know what, Bleek? I might pumice my feet. Um… I might go to Brenstone Unitarian Church. Maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know?
Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to Prom with you. Why? Cause I… got bored and had sex with you? And I didn’t want to like, marry you? Right… you just take Katrina in the douche packer to Prom.
I’m sure you two will have like, a real b*tchin’ time. I still have your virginity. What are you ashamed that we did it? Because at least you don’t have to have the evidence under your sweater. I’m a planet.
So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, ’cause it’s gonna make me smart.
So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other’s lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone,
just to think, ‘Cause we’re always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, ’cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.
A monologue from the screenplay by Tina Fey (Based on the book by Rosalind Wiseman)
Gretchen
Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. ‘K, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar.
People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar!
Ms. Norbury
Regina George. Every girl here is afraid of you. I’m afraid of you half the time. But I’ve met girls like you before and I can tell you, if you don’t change your life, you’re about ten years away from being a divorced Real Estate agent with chipped nail tips.
And don’t think Regina is the meanest girl in this school. I have never met anybody as mean as Jessica Lopez. I’ve seen Jessica Lopez make a girl cry just by looking at her. Do it, Jessica.
You guys wear your tiny little t-shirts that say “Princess” and “Diva” and you act like you’ve got it all under control, but I know you’re freaking out inside. You feel like everybody else has some kind of secret guidebook on how to be perfect and cute and you’re just a goon.
That’s cause you’re still changing. Not everybody looks their best at 15. (to an awkward girl) Annika. You’re gonna hit your peak in five years. (to another awkward girl) Emily, it’s all gonna happen for you in your thirties.
You’re gonna be, like – (sexy voice) “I teach yoga in Los Angeles” Karen, you are at your peak right now. Take a lot of pictures. Wear your bathing suit whenever possible. This is it for you.
A monologue from the screen play by Cheri Lovedog & Robin Whitehouse
Jacki
All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a rock and roll star. I was this dorky seventh grader from the Valley when I had my first cool experience. My boyfriend, Johnny Miller, had his dad drive us to see Ike and Tina Turner at the Hollywood Bowl.
Oh man… she scared the sh*t out of me! It was the most bad-assed thing I’d ever seen a woman do. Suddenly, the idea of becoming a teacher or a nurse lost its edge. Heh, sorry mom.
The second after I’d got my driver’s license, I grabbed my fake ID, jumped into my Pinto, and headed straight over the hill for Hollywood. I saw the band X at The Whiskey and I fell in love with punk rock.
I left that show knowing I had to have my own band. So I got an electric guitar, learned three chords, and conned some chicks into starting a band with me. That was 20 years ago. Today, and God knows how many bands later, not much has changed.
Not the gigs, not the clubs, not the money. Tonight we made 13.50 each. Not even enough to support my eyeliner habit. And what lucky ladies get to share this glamorous life with me? Let me introduce you to my band.
That’s Faith. Guitar god by night, guitar teacher by day. Oh man, she loves her guitar! I think she only stopped sleeping with it when she started sleeping with Sally. That’s Sally. Let’s see… if Shirley Temple and Keith Moon had a love child, she’d definitely be Sally.
That beautiful mess is Tracy. Lucky for her, she’s a trust fund baby. And a great bass player. Oh.. there’s Jessica. Must be Friday. I’ve spent over twenty years… living breathing f***ing sucking eating sleeping dreaming all things rock and roll.
It never occured to me that I might not make it. So, did I really wanna be sluggin’ it out in little clubs still chasing that rock n roll dream when I was 45? 50? How about f***in’ 60? I mean, at what point do I become a joke?
In two days I’ll be 40… and surprise surprise, I ain’t no rock star. I could quit, and become the bitter old b*tch who devoted her whole life to rock and roll and never succeeded… or, I could stick with it and become the bitter old b*tch who refused to give up.
Hm…bitter rock chick in a band…bitter rock chick without a band. Either way, bitter and rock and roll end up together
8. Clueless
A monologue from the screen play by Amy Heckerling
Cher 1 (voice over)
Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless…
Oh and this whole Josh and Ty thing was wiggin’ me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Ty is my pal, I don’t begrudge her a boyfriend. I really… (looks into a store window) Oooh! I wonder if they have that in my size!
(comes out of the store with bags in tow) What does she want with Josh anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he’s not even cute in a conventional way… I mean, he’s just like this slug that hangs around the house all the time! Ugh!
And he’s a hideous dancer, couldn’t take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about, this is like, Josh. Okay, okay……so he’s kind of a Baldwin. What would he want with Ty, she couldn’t make him happy,
Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes in case he ever makes any…the suddenly….(pause) Oh my god! I love Josh! I’m majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh!
But now I don’t know how to act around him. I mean normally I’d strut around in my cutest little outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn’t do that stuff with Josh.
Cher 2
So, O.K., like the Haitians need to come to America but some people are all, “What about the sprain on our resources?” And it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday and it’s all catered, you know, I said “R.S.V.P.” because it’s a sit down dinner. O.K.?
People come that like, didn’t R.S.V.P.! And I’m buggin’. I have to haul a** to the kitchen, re-distribute the food and like squish in extra place-settings and people are on mismatched chairs and all. But by the end of the day it was like “the more, the merrier”.
And so if the government could just get to the kitchen and re-arrange some things we could certainly party with Haitians. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it doesn’t say “R.S.V.P.” on the Statue of Liberty.
This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse.
You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here.
Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin.
The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women.
It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as f***ed a group as can ever exist.
“Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you? By what stretch of the imagination . . . I mean, like, how could I, like, get an “F”? I mean, what mistakes did I make? That was a college-level analysis. In a matter of fact I most certainly am qualified of making that point.
“As in Hamlet, ‘what’s done is done'”? That’s “Macbeth,” you know-nothing twit. Bates. Elton Bates. Griffith High School. Well, you asked me, I mean, my mom to the prom, but she turned you down.
And now you’re taking it out on her daughter, aren’t you? Aren’t you?! Oh come on, it was high school dance. I mean, you’ve got to let go and move on, man. And if you don’t, I’m ! sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student.
Oh, and by the way Elton, she had a boyfriend, and you were weird.”
A monologue from the screen play by Scott Rosenberg
Gina
I’m speaking to both you, okay, you’re both f***ing insane. You wanna know what your problem is? MTV, Playboys, and Madison f***ing Avenue. Yeah. Let me explain something to you. OK, look, girls with big t*ts have big a**es, girls with little t*ts have little a**es.
That’s the way it goes. God doesn’t f*** around, he’s a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful t*ts, and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. If you don’t like it, call him. (entering store) Hey Mitch. Thank you. Oh guys, look what we have here.
(picking up Penthouse magazine and opening it) Look at this: your favorite. Oh, you like that? Yeah, that’s nice, right? Well, it doesn’t exist, okay? Look at the hair. The hair is long, it’s flowing, it’s like a river.
Well, it’s a f***ing weave, okay? And the t*ts. Please, I could hang my overcoat on them. T*ts, by design, are intended to be suckled by babies. Yeah, they’re purely functional. These are silcone city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis.
Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very vain. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullsh*t. Implants, calogen, plastics, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush sh-these are not real women, alright?
They’re beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered b**bs, hi Bob, our cellulite, seem somewhat inadequate. Well, I don’t buy it, alright?
What you f***ers, you think is that there’s a chance in hell that you’ll end up with one of these women you don’t give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It’s pathetic. I don’t know what you think you’re going to do.
You’re going to end up 80 years old, drooling in some nursing home, and then you’ll decide that it’s time to settle down, get married, have kids? What are you going to do: find a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch.
That boy from the other night just dropped this off for you. He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little… incredibly gay. I dated a homosexual in high school. I just wanted to tell you that if you want to date a gay boy, your father and I are totally supportive.
We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite-sex sex partner. And don’t feel bad that you won’t make us grandparents. We still have Ginger, and from the signs I’m picking up, she’ll be preggo before the PSATs.
Which is actually great ’cause then we can get another shot at raising kids. Really do it right this time.
Olive
Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind, ample-ish breast size and an occasional corny knock-knock joke do enter this video blog in the case against me.
Since I’m being judged by a jury of my peers I will attempt to insert ‘like’ and ‘totally’ into my confession as much as possible. I will also end statements with a question mark? So here it goes.
I confess I’m, in no small part, to blame for all the gossip that has turned my varsity letter scarlet. But for any guy hoping that the sizzling details of my sordid past will inspire you to lock the bathroom door and ‘do it to it’ with your sisters moisturising lotion – you’ll be gravely disappointed.
Not to mention unsatisfied. And smelling like hibiscus. Look, I just need to set the record straight and what better way to broadcast my thoughts then here, on the internet. So here it is,
Part 1: The Shudder-Inducing-and-Cliched-However-Totally-False-Account-of-How-I-Lost-My-Virginity-To-A-Guy-At-A-Community-College. And Lost my Anonymity Along the Way. Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story.
A monologue from the screenplay by Noah Baumbach & Greta Gerwig
“I want this one moment. It’s – it’s what I want in a relationship… which might explain why I am single now. Ha, ha. It’s, uh – It’s kind of hard to – it’s that thing when you’re with someone… and you love them and they know it…
and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party… and you’re both talking to other people… and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room… and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive…
or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world… that exists right there… in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about.
It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess. Love. — I sound stoned.
A monologue from the screen play by Kelly Fremon Craig
Nadine
[writing a text to a boy she has a crush on] Nick, I’m just gonna say it, I like you. I’ve liked you for months. I think about you every second. I don’t know, maybe I even love you. You’re so complicated, but simple,
and I just feel this connection between us, I feel like I already know you, and I just want to be with you. I want to give you head, I want you to put your mouth on my t*ts, I want to feel you inside me…
We can do it in the Petland stockroom. – Nadine. [pause] Oh my god. Oh my god. [to herself] You sound like a f***ing psychopath. You can’t send this. [She accidentally sends the text] What? No. Sh*t… Oh my god.
Oh my god, no way, no, no, no way, no. F***! Oh my god! Sh*t!
No. I was barely accepted. I mean, barely. The only reason they let me come was because of my essay. How I was going to make the world a better place with my degree. And anyway, we would have to participate in these study sessions, my classmates and I, sometimes all night long.
And so I baked so no one would go hungry while we worked. Sometimes I’d bake all afternoon in the kitchen, in the dorm, and then I’d bring my little treats to the study groups and people loved them. (puts more cookies on the table)
Eat. I made oatmeal cookies… peanut butter bars…dark chocolate macadamia nut wedges, and everyone would eat and stay happy and study harder and do better on the test and more and more people started coming to the study groups
and I’d bring more snacks and I was always looking for better and better recipes until soon it was ricotta cheese and apricot croissants and mocha bars with a almond glaze and lemon chiffon cake with zesty peach icing.
And at the end of the semester I had twenty seven study partners, eight Mead journals filled with recipes and a D average. So I dropped out. I just figured if I was going to make the world a better place I would do it with cookies. … You like them?
A monologue from the screenplay by Marc Lawrence, Katie Ford, and Caryn Lucas
GRACIE
Well, I would say that I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that, these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we’ve become really good friends.
I mean, I know that we secretly wish the other one to trip and fall on her face, but oh, wait a minute, I’ve already done that! And for me, this experience has been one of the most, rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
And if anyone, anyone, tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much, that they’d wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you Kathy.
Ohh! You gotta believe in God! But I don’t believe God created Man in His image. ‘Cause most the sh*t that happens is because of men. Men were made in the devil’s image. And women were created outta God.
‘Cause, after all, women can have babies–which is kinda like creating. And which also accounts for the fact that women are so attracted to men. ‘Cause let’s face it, the devil is a helluva lot more interesting. I slept with some saints in my day, believe me, I know.
Eegh-boy! So, the whole point of life, the whole point of life is for men and women to get married so God and the Devil can get together–and work it out. (beat) Not that we have to get married or anything. (Mae West voice) God forbid.
A monologue from the screenplay by Michael McCullers
Kate
I did everything that I was supposed to do. I didn’t cry in meetings. I didn’t wear short skirts. I put up with the weird upper management guys that kiss you on the mouth at Christmas. Is it fair that to be the youngest VP in my company, I will be the oldest mom at preschool?
Not really but that’s part of the deal. I made a choice. Some women got pregnant. I got promotions. And I still aspire to meet someone and fall in love and get married, but that is a very high-risk scenario.
And I want a baby now. I’m 37. It’s too much for a first date, isn’t it? I said too much.
A monologue from the screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor
TRACY
Wait – are you accusing me? You”re not serious. (indignant) I can”t… Mr. McAllister, we have worked together on SGA for three solid years and… I mean, I can”t believe it. I”m… I”m shocked!Mr. M., I am running on my qualifications.
I would never need to resort to, you know, to vandalism like a, you know… Plus, my own best banner was torn down. Did I do that too? As you know, with all my responsibilities I often come in on the weekend and have permission to do so.
But I left very early, around 6:30. I just know they were there when I left. I”m giving you helpful information is all. You know, instead of wasting time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to find out who did this.
It could have been anybody. There are a lot of, you know, subversive elements around Millard. You know, like Rick Thieson and Kevin Speck and those burn-outs. Or Doug Schenken – what about him?
Or what about Tammy Metzier? Her whole thing is being anti-this and anti-that.
A monologue from the screen play by Andrew Davies, Richard Curtis, and Helen Fielding (Based on the novel by Helen Fielding)
BRIDGET
And that was it. Right there. Right there. That was the moment I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and I’d finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by Alsatians.
Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.” And so I made a major decision. I had to make sure that next year I wouldn’t end up sh*t-faced and listening to sad FM easy-listening for the over-thirties.
I decided to take control of my life and start a diary to tell the truth about Bridget Jones— the whole truth. Resolution number one–oh–obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket.
Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional f***wits, or perverts.
And especially will not fantasize about a particular person who embodies all these things.
A monologue from the screenplay by Alexander Payne
Roberta
You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I’m an extremely sexual person, I can’t help it, it just how I’m wired, you know, even when I was a little girl.
I had my first org*sm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very org*smic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me.
Anyway, I don’t want to betray Jeannie’s confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together.
A monologue from the screen play by Peter Farrelly, Pete Jones, Bobby Farrelly, Kevin Barnett
Maggie
Remember last week when we went to Lucy’s award thing? That night when we got home, Rick and I were gonna … you know … and I was waiting for him in bed while he tucked the kids in, and I started wondering who he would be thinking about during sex.
Would it be the girl he checked out on the way into the party? Or would it be Missy Frankenfield– because I noticed him gawking at her? Or how about one of the waitresses, or maybe somebody he saw at work that day?
Then when he came into the room, I did something I’d never done before: I pretended to be asleep. Look, I understand that people have fantasies and that you’re not always thinking about the person you’re with.
But it’s just … I don’t know … it’s been too long since I felt that he was thinking about me. I need this hall pass to work, Grace, because if it doesn’t, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
