The Best 22 Funny Monologues For Women From Movies
2. Harold And Maude
3. Adam’s Family Values
5. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
6. Mean Girls
7. Prey for Rock & Roll
9. Something’s Gotta Give
10. Freaky Friday
11. Beautiful Girls
A monologue from the screen play by Scott Rosenberg
I’m speaking to both you, okay, you’re both f***ing insane. You wanna know what your problem is? MTV, Playboys, and Madison f***ing Avenue. Yeah. Let me explain something to you. OK, look, girls with big t*ts have big a**es, girls with little t*ts have little a**es.
That’s the way it goes. God doesn’t f*** around, he’s a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful t*ts, and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. If you don’t like it, call him. (entering store) Hey Mitch. Thank you. Oh guys, look what we have here.
(picking up Penthouse magazine and opening it) Look at this: your favorite. Oh, you like that? Yeah, that’s nice, right? Well, it doesn’t exist, okay? Look at the hair. The hair is long, it’s flowing, it’s like a river.
Well, it’s a f***ing weave, okay? And the t*ts. Please, I could hang my overcoat on them. T*ts, by design, are intended to be suckled by babies. Yeah, they’re purely functional. These are silcone city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis.
Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very vain. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullsh*t. Implants, calogen, plastics, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush sh-these are not real women, alright?
They’re beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered b**bs, hi Bob, our cellulite, seem somewhat inadequate. Well, I don’t buy it, alright?
What you f***ers, you think is that there’s a chance in hell that you’ll end up with one of these women you don’t give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It’s pathetic. I don’t know what you think you’re going to do.
You’re going to end up 80 years old, drooling in some nursing home, and then you’ll decide that it’s time to settle down, get married, have kids? What are you going to do: find a cheerleader? Charge it, Mitch.
12. Easy A
A monologue from the screenplay by Bert V. Royal
That boy from the other night just dropped this off for you. He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little… incredibly gay. I dated a homosexual in high school. I just wanted to tell you that if you want to date a gay boy, your father and I are totally supportive.
We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite-sex sex partner. And don’t feel bad that you won’t make us grandparents. We still have Ginger, and from the signs I’m picking up, she’ll be preggo before the PSATs.
Which is actually great ’cause then we can get another shot at raising kids. Really do it right this time.
Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind, ample-ish breast size and an occasional corny knock-knock joke do enter this video blog in the case against me.
Since I’m being judged by a jury of my peers I will attempt to insert ‘like’ and ‘totally’ into my confession as much as possible. I will also end statements with a question mark? So here it goes.
I confess I’m, in no small part, to blame for all the gossip that has turned my varsity letter scarlet. But for any guy hoping that the sizzling details of my sordid past will inspire you to lock the bathroom door and ‘do it to it’ with your sisters moisturising lotion – you’ll be gravely disappointed.
Not to mention unsatisfied. And smelling like hibiscus. Look, I just need to set the record straight and what better way to broadcast my thoughts then here, on the internet. So here it is,
Part 1: The Shudder-Inducing-and-Cliched-However-Totally-False-Account-of-How-I-Lost-My-Virginity-To-A-Guy-At-A-Community-College. And Lost my Anonymity Along the Way. Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story.
This is my side. The right one. Like, totally.
13. Frances Ha
A monologue from the screenplay by Noah Baumbach & Greta Gerwig
“I want this one moment. It’s – it’s what I want in a relationship… which might explain why I am single now. Ha, ha. It’s, uh – It’s kind of hard to – it’s that thing when you’re with someone… and you love them and they know it…
and they love you and you know it… but it’s a party… and you’re both talking to other people… and you’re laughing and shining… and you look across the room… and catch each other’s eyes… but – but not because you’re possessive…
or it’s precisely sexual… but because… that is your person in this life. And it’s funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it’s this secret world… that exists right there… in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about.
It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s – That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess. Love. — I sound stoned.
I’m not stoned. — Thanks for dinner. Bye.”
14. The Edge Of Seventeen
A monologue from the screen play by Kelly Fremon Craig
[writing a text to a boy she has a crush on] Nick, I’m just gonna say it, I like you. I’ve liked you for months. I think about you every second. I don’t know, maybe I even love you. You’re so complicated, but simple,
and I just feel this connection between us, I feel like I already know you, and I just want to be with you. I want to give you head, I want you to put your mouth on my t*ts, I want to feel you inside me…
We can do it in the Petland stockroom. – Nadine. [pause] Oh my god. Oh my god. [to herself] You sound like a f***ing psychopath. You can’t send this. [She accidentally sends the text] What? No. Sh*t… Oh my god.
Oh my god, no way, no, no, no way, no. F***! Oh my god! Sh*t!
Watch the clip (time stamp 1:17 – 2:20)
15. Stranger Than Fiction
A monologue from the screen play by Zach Helm
No. I was barely accepted. I mean, barely. The only reason they let me come was because of my essay. How I was going to make the world a better place with my degree. And anyway, we would have to participate in these study sessions, my classmates and I, sometimes all night long.
And so I baked so no one would go hungry while we worked. Sometimes I’d bake all afternoon in the kitchen, in the dorm, and then I’d bring my little treats to the study groups and people loved them. (puts more cookies on the table)
Eat. I made oatmeal cookies… peanut butter bars…dark chocolate macadamia nut wedges, and everyone would eat and stay happy and study harder and do better on the test and more and more people started coming to the study groups
and I’d bring more snacks and I was always looking for better and better recipes until soon it was ricotta cheese and apricot croissants and mocha bars with a almond glaze and lemon chiffon cake with zesty peach icing.
And at the end of the semester I had twenty seven study partners, eight Mead journals filled with recipes and a D average. So I dropped out. I just figured if I was going to make the world a better place I would do it with cookies. … You like them?
16. Miss Congeniality
A monologue from the screenplay by Marc Lawrence, Katie Ford, and Caryn Lucas
Well, I would say that I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that, these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we’ve become really good friends.
I mean, I know that we secretly wish the other one to trip and fall on her face, but oh, wait a minute, I’ve already done that! And for me, this experience has been one of the most, rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
And if anyone, anyone, tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much, that they’d wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you Kathy.
17. The Fisher King
A monologue from the play by Richard LaGravenese
Ohh! You gotta believe in God! But I don’t believe God created Man in His image. ‘Cause most the sh*t that happens is because of men. Men were made in the devil’s image. And women were created outta God.
‘Cause, after all, women can have babies–which is kinda like creating. And which also accounts for the fact that women are so attracted to men. ‘Cause let’s face it, the devil is a helluva lot more interesting. I slept with some saints in my day, believe me, I know.
Eegh-boy! So, the whole point of life, the whole point of life is for men and women to get married so God and the Devil can get together–and work it out. (beat) Not that we have to get married or anything. (Mae West voice) God forbid.
18. Baby Mama
A monologue from the screenplay by Michael McCullers
I did everything that I was supposed to do. I didn’t cry in meetings. I didn’t wear short skirts. I put up with the weird upper management guys that kiss you on the mouth at Christmas. Is it fair that to be the youngest VP in my company, I will be the oldest mom at preschool?
Not really but that’s part of the deal. I made a choice. Some women got pregnant. I got promotions. And I still aspire to meet someone and fall in love and get married, but that is a very high-risk scenario.
And I want a baby now. I’m 37. It’s too much for a first date, isn’t it? I said too much.
A monologue from the screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor
Wait – are you accusing me? You”re not serious. (indignant) I can”t… Mr. McAllister, we have worked together on SGA for three solid years and… I mean, I can”t believe it. I”m… I”m shocked!Mr. M., I am running on my qualifications.
I would never need to resort to, you know, to vandalism like a, you know… Plus, my own best banner was torn down. Did I do that too? As you know, with all my responsibilities I often come in on the weekend and have permission to do so.
But I left very early, around 6:30. I just know they were there when I left. I”m giving you helpful information is all. You know, instead of wasting time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to find out who did this.
It could have been anybody. There are a lot of, you know, subversive elements around Millard. You know, like Rick Thieson and Kevin Speck and those burn-outs. Or Doug Schenken – what about him?
Or what about Tammy Metzier? Her whole thing is being anti-this and anti-that.
20. Bridget Jones Diary
A monologue from the screen play by Andrew Davies, Richard Curtis, and Helen Fielding (Based on the novel by Helen Fielding)
And that was it. Right there. Right there. That was the moment I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon, I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and I’d finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by Alsatians.
Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.” And so I made a major decision. I had to make sure that next year I wouldn’t end up sh*t-faced and listening to sad FM easy-listening for the over-thirties.
I decided to take control of my life and start a diary to tell the truth about Bridget Jones— the whole truth. Resolution number one–oh–obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two: always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket.
Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional f***wits, or perverts.
And especially will not fantasize about a particular person who embodies all these things.
21. About Schmidt
A monologue from the screenplay by Alexander Payne
You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I’m an extremely sexual person, I can’t help it, it just how I’m wired, you know, even when I was a little girl.
I had my first org*sm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very org*smic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me.
Anyway, I don’t want to betray Jeannie’s confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together.
A monologue from the screen play by Peter Farrelly, Pete Jones, Bobby Farrelly, Kevin Barnett
Remember last week when we went to Lucy’s award thing? That night when we got home, Rick and I were gonna … you know … and I was waiting for him in bed while he tucked the kids in, and I started wondering who he would be thinking about during sex.
Would it be the girl he checked out on the way into the party? Or would it be Missy Frankenfield– because I noticed him gawking at her? Or how about one of the waitresses, or maybe somebody he saw at work that day?
Then when he came into the room, I did something I’d never done before: I pretended to be asleep. Look, I understand that people have fantasies and that you’re not always thinking about the person you’re with.
But it’s just … I don’t know … it’s been too long since I felt that he was thinking about me. I need this hall pass to work, Grace, because if it doesn’t, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
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