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A monologue from the play by Lisa D’ Amour
SHARON (thirties – forties)
Sharon is ranting to her neighbors about another neighbor who’s been driving her nuts.
Kenny you are not going to believe this I am f***ing losing it do you see me I am losing it! It was the pink jogging suit lady. At our door! Only she wasn’t wearing a pink jogging suit she was wearing shorts and a blue T shirt.
And she came over to ask us politely—sort of—politely if we could keep our dog from sh*tting on her lawn. WE DON’T HAVE A DOG. And so I said to her, politely,
I said “we don’t have a dog” and she said “yes you do have a dog and it is quite fond of taking craps on my lawn.” “Quite fond.” Like slicing a razor blade across my face “quite fond”.
And I said “Lady, do you want to come in my house? We’ve got NOTHING in our house, especially a DOG. Especially we do not have a DOG.” And she said “Listen, Missy.” F***ING MISSY!
“Listen, Missy. I’ve lived in this neighborhood for 6 years, and I jog every morning. This dog appeared out of nowhere and started crapping on my lawn. I’m not asking you to get rid of it I’m just asking you to clean up his crap.”
And I practically started crying—look at me I’m crying now—and I said “Ma’am, people have accused me of many things before but they have never accused me of having a dog,
you need to investigate further you need to knock on other doors—” And she said—her voice changed and she said “Look if it craps on my lawn one more time I am calling the police”
and I said “Are you kidding? The police are going to f***ing LAUGH IN YOUR FACE if you call them about some dogsh*t.” And she said “AHA! So you DO have a DOG!” And I said
“No, no, no, no, no f***ing NO there is no dog here lady!” And she just shook her head and kind of kicked our plant and said “Ha I thought it was fake.” And turned around I mean F***. KENNY. F***. This is like F***ED UP.
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