The Homeless Secretary – Monologue (Pat)

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A monologue from the play by Gerry Sheridan

PAT (twenty-five and up)

Pat is at work speaking on the phone. She is desperate and hoping to finish the call before her boss comes out of his office again.

Hello? Hello is this Mrs. Mathews? Hi, this is Pat Patterson. Patricia. Yeah. Yes. That’s what I’m calling about. You know, I really think you should give me a break this one time. I can’t believe one transgression and I’m like cut off.

Someone once said, “The quality of mercy is not strained,” – well I think it is at American Express. Isn’t a person allowed to make a mistake? Can’t you give me a little more time?

Look, what happened was, I wrote a check for three thousand dollars to American Express, but I put it in the wrong envelope and mailed it to Sprint instead.

Then I went online to order a new ID tag for my dog, and somehow I got my zip code in the little box that says how many tags you want, so instead of ordering one, I accidentally ordered eleven thousand two hundred and one.

That’s my zip code: 11201. And I used my debit card, so it completely wiped out my account. So now even though I want to, I can’t send you a check for three thousand dollars until the dispute is settled.

Doesn’t anyone even look at these things? Couldn’t someone have said, “Gee, this looks a little funny, who would need eleven thousand two hundred and one gold-toned dog tags with the name Mitzi on them and the same address?”

Can you believe it? I hit confirm and my entire life is in a shambles. At $2.95 a piece those tags cost over thirty-three thousand dollars plus shipping and handling. So, I have every intention of paying you and I think that should count for something.

I’ll get paid a week from Tuesday and I can send you something then. I even had to stop my company from doing direct deposit because I was afraid every penny was going to be sucked up by that stupid dog tag company.

You know, I think when the moon goes out of its present void state that things will get better. I don’t even have my ATM card right now because I accidentally left it in this cosmetics store

I just had to go into because they have products from all over the world, Douglas Cosmetics. I got some really good bath products there, you should try it. So, Mrs. Mathews, please don’t cut me off.

Think about it. I make one mistake and immediately the trappings of civilization start to fall away. My cellphone is turned off, I have no credit card, I had to walk to work because I couldn’t buy a Metro Card,

my gym membership is on hold because they charge my credit card, and I have no money for food. So if you don’t help me out I will starve to death Mrs. Mathews. I am, I am on a total economy kick now, so I will get caught up.

This was really weird – someone gave me this book on Zen and I opened it at random and read “Life is suffering. Suffering is caused by selfish craving. Selfish craving can be overcome!”

It was like some sort of message for me and I knew right then that I could stop shopping and I haven’t bought a thing. I have bought nothing at all, it’s amazing.

So, please, Mrs. Mathews, think about the human side to all these numbers you see, you know? There must be a way, some way to keep my card afloat, huh? Mrs. Mathew?Hello?Hello?

Mrs. Mathews? Hello? Oh my God! She hung up!

Read the play here

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