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A monologue from the play by Tony Glazer
Unfortunately, I’ve come to in New Jersey to confront my sister Scarlet about some recent credit-card purchases she made without my knowledge.
You see, she stole my identity last month and racked up about three thousand dollars worth of colored rocks
on my credit card on account of her psychic, Maggie, told her that she was a stone in a past life.
It’s actually not that hard to believe if you’ve ever tried to have a conversation with her. What’s that? Oh sure, you can come back as all sorts of things.
Trees, grapes, most garden equipment, and hair product — a good friend of the family, Emily, is convinced that her little baby,
Shawna, who was delivered stillborn just last spring, has come back to life as a George Foreman Grill. Sadly, the grill was ours.
She borrowed it and now . . . well, kinda hard to interfere with family, if you see my point.
Anyhow, Maggie told Scarlet that the reason why she was feeling so lonely was not because she hadn’t had a real date since Bill Clinton was impeached
but because she needed to be surrounded by more objects that she could relate to on a “past life” level. So she bought three thousands dollars worth of rocks.
Prada handbags, too. Although I don’t know where those fit in, metaphysically speaking. My first instinct was to turn it over to the police and let them sort her out.
But she’s family and turning her out to the cops would have kicked up more dust with my mom,
and then my dad would have had a reason to come out of witness protection to put his two cents in — it would have been even more of a mess than it needed to be.
I thought about the lessons of family provided in Martin’s book and had to admit that since buying those stones,
Scarlet has been doing better— she met Jorge at the Olive Garden where he oversees “dish management,” and she’s, overall, developed a real positive outlook on life.
So, instead of finger-flicking that row of dominoes like I wanted, like my gut told me I should, I just counted back from ten and let a “cooler being” prevail,
decided to come on out to the Garden State and handle it like a sister instead of a plaintiff. She is my sister and family is sacred.
All you really have is family in the end. When that’s gone, what have you got?
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