The Lady With All The Answers – Monologue (Eppie)

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A monologue from the play by David Rambo

EPPIE (fifties)

Eppie is the advice columnist Ann Landers. This is a one-woman play. Here, Eppie is responding to a letter asking about the proper way to hang the toilet paper roll in the bathroom.

Dear Ann Landers: While I was visiting family back in Sioux City, I brought up the subject of how they all needed to reverse their paper towels and toilet paper on the spools since they were placed incorrectly.

The paper should be coming from the wall up toward the top, over and out. They all disagreed. Please settle this for us. Signed, “Paper Crazy.” Now, first of all, you come into my home as a guest —

relative or not — and tell me how to hang my toilet paper . . . bub, the elevator going down has your name on it. But be that as it may, I wrote “Paper Crazy” that there was no right or wrong way to hang it,

but my preference is the same as his relatives’, back against the wall. And that’s how sixty million people found out how Ann Landers hangs her toilet paper. (Pause. She finds this next statement almost incredible —)

Fifteen thousand letters came in. Fifteen thousand letters! About toilet paper! It just boggles the mind. (The letter goes back in the file.) With all the important issues that divide our country —

war, morality, abortion, guns, nuclear proliferation — apparently, this is one of the most polarizing issues of the day. Well, let’s see if it’s still true. (Directly to the audience, looking for a show of hands.)

Who thinks it should hang down in back, against the wall? How many of you? I’m not asking how it’s hung in your house; I’m asking how you think it should be hung. Who’s for back against the wall?

(She coaxes the response. Then — ) All right. And how many think it should go the other way, come up from behind and hang down in front? (She coaxes the response. Then — ) All right.

Now, let’s see how many of you live in a household where there is disagreement on the issue — the issue of tissue? (She takes in the response.) And who’s ever gone into someone else’s bathroom,

taken the roll off the wall, and switched it around? (To those who respond affirmatively — ) Tsk, tsk, tsk . . . Now, about whether the seat should be left up or down — No, I’ve got work to do.

Besides, the answer to that one’s non-negotiable. Right, ladies? (Back to work — )

Read the play here

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