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A monologue from the play by Stephen Belber
GAIL (twenties – thirties)
Gail, a well-dressed young woman, is interviewing two men, Dan and Jeff, for a most important job: Gail’s boyfriend.
Good, good. (Putting resumé down, addressing them both:) Well as I said, I’m a little pressed for time today. I told myself that I would hire someone by — (Looking at watch.) — five o’clock, and here it is, five o’clock,
I think I’ve interviewed sixty people already and I still can’t seem to find someone I like. But you’re both pleasant surprises and both very qualified so I feel like I’m almost there.
So, thanks for that. As you can probably imagine, when I asked myself what the qualities were that I was looking for in a full-time lover, a number of variables presented themselves to me.
To begin with, availability. My husband and I have only been married a year but he’s already begun avoiding his corporeal responsibility to me. Maybe he’s got someone else, power to him if he does,
all I know is that he’s putting in 65-hour weeks down there at Paine Webber which really doesn’t leave him with the time and energy required to properly service his wife.
And the fact is, this little car needs more than the occasional tune-up. Secondly, I need imagination. For all of the indubitably imaginative financial flourishes that Jim whips out as he climbs the corporate ladder,
the man has nary whipped out a ball of twine thus far with his wife, to say nothing of ankle chains or the occasional prison warden routine. And so I seek creativity.
And let us not forget adventurism, foresight and, of course, foreplay, although I’m not one of these women who get carried away with the conceit. My philosophy since the eighth grade has been:
Put the sausage in the oven while the coal’s still hot, and stoke, for God’s sake, stoke, stoke! And yet, thirdly, I need someone who challenges me, not just sexually — although mostly sexually —
but also emotionally and intellectually. Jim’s good with numbers but the man couldn’t write a poem to save his life, much less recite The Wasteland while mounting me from behind.
You can both take note of that. So I think that essentially what I’m looking for is a well-endowed man — and please don’t interpret that in a merely juvenile way, for I mean well-endowed in every sense of the phrase, most notably in terms of integrity.
(To Dan:) I like a man who can sit here and tell me that he’s into passivity; (To Jeff:) or a man who’s not afraid to admit that he has a violent streak, especially when he has no idea that it’s a perfect qualification for the job he’s just applied for.
So that’s nice, but I still have one very important question I’d like to put forth to you gentlemen: Why do you think you should have this job?
