Darn It! Darla! – Monologue (Portia)

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A monologue from the play by Lavinia Roberts

PORTIA (mid thirties)

Portia is giving her client – Naveen, some advice on how to revamp her image.

Naveen is a former child-sitcom-star, who is now grown up and struggling to find meaningful work as an actress in Hollywood.

Well, I think there might be a way to get you past bit parts in Lifetime original made-for-TV movies, guest appearances on daytime soaps, and late-night infomercials.

We need to give you a new image, bring you back into the public’s view. How do you feel about drunk driving?

Embezzling money. A new nose, maybe bigger breasts? Have you ever thought about developing an eating disorder?

Maybe being found with a couple grams of cocaine? You would only have to be in jail for a few months.

Just long enough for all the paper headlines to read, “Dam it Darla; not so Darling anymore!” Start a charity or something?

Human beings are only salacious morsels and fallible weakness. We don’t want our leaders to talk about our troubles.

We want them to be HD ready. We don’t want to know about the state of the ozone or economy.

But who looks best in a bikini after having a baby, and who has cellulite and where. Do a public service. Give them someone to hate for a while.

They’ll never know you or be you, but it makes them feel big for a moment to feel better than you. They’ll love to hate you.

And they’ll cough up the change the next time you’re on the big screen, just so they can complain about you afterwards to their companions.

All I’m asking for is some much needed plastic surgery, a little jail time, to become bulimic, maybe to spend a little time addicted to cocaine, so you can go to rehab?

That’s all. What manager could be more concerned for your well-being?

Read the play here

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