Mr. Perfect – MOnologue (Zooey)

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A monologue from the play by William Missouri Downs


After meeting the man of her dreams during a plane flight, Zooey tells him what she expects from their relationship.

When I met you and you asked for non-salted peanuts, I couldn’t believe it because just hours before I had written a long letter to the management of Delta Airlines suggesting we offer a non-salted option.

And then your voice was so soothing, I felt I’d heard it all my life. And then when you said you were an actor, and that you recorded my favorite romance novel The Thorn Birds,

which I just finished listening to again on my way to the airport, well, I sorta melted. At that moment, I knew that I’d break Delta Airline’s rules about having sex with passengers in the bathroom.

And now you ask what I want from this chance meeting. I want our story to be just like a romance novel. I want to know that you’ll call tomorrow. That we’ll date for an appropriate amount of time, maybe three to five chapters.

And then at the end of chapter six, you’ll take me out to dinner and surprise me with a ring and I’ll quit being a flight attendant. And then in chapters seven through fourteen we’ll rise above the normal humdrum of existence.

We’ll also survive that tragic night in chapter nine when your mother dies in that awful train wreck. In chapter ten, our love will rise above my momentary fling with a handsome priest who
has been sent into exile at a remote parish for insulting a bishop.

Despite the fact that he’s sworn to a life of celibacy, he breaks his vows, consummates our passion, and dies of a broken heart. But you forgive my wandering spirit and together we raise the love-child as our own.

Years later, in chapter eighteen, on my deathbed, with our children and love-children gathered around us, the music will crest and I’ll know that I’ve lived not a life but a page-turner. That’s not too much to ask for is it?

Read the play here

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