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A monologue from the play by Kayla Cagan
BARB (mid-twenties – mid-forties)
Barb explains why she can’t attend her weight loss meetings anymore. She preaches like she’s giving a sermon.
Hello, Friends. Newcomers, I’m Barbara, but everyone here calls me No-Carb Barb. I’ve been a member for about 3 months. I came here today, as I’ve been coming week after week, hoping to be a contributing member to this fellowship.
I’ve been inspired by you and I’ve been educated by you and I’ve watched our meetings grow, especially right after new year’s eve, with the resolutions and whatnot, but…and I say this after much thought and consideration, I am simply not one of you.
I’m not judging you. I’m happy for you. I’m proud of you. But I’m not you. I have to savor my own flavor. I have tried the tofu, both soft and firm. I have seasoned my air-popped popcorn with the flavorless substitute salt.
I have been to the gyms and taken the Zumba classes and walked on the hikes, and I gotta say it, I gotta be the real me: IT. ALL. JUST. SUCKS!
Each and every boring step I counted, each and every cup of skim milk I’ve measured, all of it, down to the last drop of reduced sodium chicken broth, can kiss my spaghetti and meatballs loving bottom!”
I understand the sin of wanting more, wanting decadence, wanting without consequence! I see you, my weight watchers. I see you waiting and wanting and waiting and wanting.
(she sings like in The Lion King): the ciiiiircle of liiiife! But it’s not enough. It’s never enough. I get it. When I hear 7 layer dip, I say give me 8! When I hear Death by Chocolate, I say add Angel Food Cake!
And if you serve Tres Leches cake, I’m gonna ask for Quatro Leches, mi Amigas! Say goodbye to No-Carb Barb and hello to Babara Carbonara! Look, I know I’m preaching to the choir here,
but I’m tired of being hungry and I’m tired of meetings and I’m tired of counting grams – I don’t even know what grams are! Do you? DO ANY OF YOU? I raise my water bottle of zero-calorie seltzer and salute you.
I know you’re doing your best. We all are. But I’m out of numbers and patience and points. I’m definitely out of points. So, when you’re hungry for more, you hit me up. I’ll take you out for a fro-yo (frozen yogurt) you won’t forget.
Until then, friends, may the scale be ever in your favor.