SCUBA LESSONS – Monologue (Kelly)

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A monologue from the play by Joseph Zeccola

NOTE: This monologue is reprinted with the author’s permission. All inquiries should be directed to the author at:


Did you ever wake up and know it was gonna be your day? I did. Today. First time. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off. The sun was shining, the birds chirping, I felt warm all over and then… … I read my horoscope.

“Today is your day!!! What you dreamed about becomes real. Romance figures prominently. Musical notes involved.” Okay–I don’t get the musical notes thing either–but that’s not the point. The point is it said today is my day.

And it has been–all day!!! I got on the scale–I was five pounds thinner, and that was after getting out of the shower. On my way out the door, my manager tells me he’s going to fix the broken closet in my apartment I reported six months ago.

Normally I wouldn’t believe it, because I have rotten luck. But I’ve had this feeling all day. And that’s leaving out the best part of my horoscope: “Romance figures Prominently.” [She looks around the cafe.] 

He’s not here yet. Martin. My date. Actually it’s a blind date. Both Dan and I have blind dates tonight. Which would normally scare me. To tell the truth I was terrified. Until this morning.

I know, I know–what are the odds of finding Mr. Right on a blind date? I mean, someone who would count on that is an optimist, at best. At worst … well–let’s not go there.

I’m being an optimist. I have faith. You know my luck is actually worse with men. Until recently I’ve been convinced I have bad guy-karma. Which is why I told Dan to meet his date here, too.

I had a friend at work set us up. Raul. He’s gay. We decided to meet our dates at the same place just in case they were ugly. If I knew my day was gonna be like this, I would have told him to fend for himself. 

[Notices a mug on the merchandise rack. She picks it up.] Do you see what I mean?!! This is my favorite painting on this coffee mug. I was in here two days ago and they didn’t have this mug.

This is like some giant cosmic accident. It’s fate. Did I tell you I found a parking space in less than five minutes. My favorite painting. “The Scream.” Dan says only freaks like that painting.

I think only tactless jerks call their friends freaks. [Looks over to DAN and RAYNE.] It looks like the jerk’s doing okay so far. He hasn’t pissed her off yet. She looks okay.

Seems a little thin for Dan though. He’s Italian, they like those buxom women. Or at least he does. And he thinks he speaks for every guinea on the planet. He doesn’t like it when I call him a guinea. 

[Short pause] Guinea. Oh. That’s Dan. He likes me. But we’re not. No. I mean he’s sweet. We always do stuff like this together. Well not like this. We do things. We go to the movies.

We go for walks–in the park or mountains. Sometimes we even hold hands. Sometimes we come here and get coffee. Well he gets coffee. I don’t like coffee. Or tea.

Actually I hate tea; but, we’re just friends. It’s hard to explain. Dan and I … … we just–we wouldn’t get along. We bicker constantly. Dan calls me the ex-wife he never wanted.

I call him evidence to the need for artificial insemination. [Pause.] He’s really not that bad. He’s just that bad for me. Dan just needs to find a woman who isn’t annoyed by him.

And who isn’t meeting her soulmate tonight.

Read the play here

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