Principia – Monologue (Eris)

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A monologue from the play by Michael Maiello

ERIS (any age)

Eris is a goddess who is the embodiment of chaos. She has appeared to Bob and Kerry, two security guards at a dog food factory. Kerry has found the Golden Apple of the Hesperides, symbol of all the chaos in the universe.

This is the apple that caused the Trojan War. Eris wants it back.

I am the goddess with the icy dagger in her bosom. And that’s rough on the bosom. Oh, I’ve suffered. Oh, I’ve made my mark. Oh, I’ve whipped this world around on a string. (Turns to Kerry.)

You, mortal, have something that belongs to me. . . . Its power will confound you. Its place in history would leave you breathless. It is mine, the Golden Apple of the Hesperides, guarded over by Atlas, stolen by Paris and used by me to spark the Trojan War. . . .

Kalliste — for the prettiest one. This is how I sparked the Trojan War. See, they had a party on Olympus and they didn’t invite me. This is the doctrine of the original snub. So I picked up this bauble and tossed it among the gods.

When Hera, Aphrodite, and Athene saw it, they fought to possess it. They picked a mortal named Paris — don’t ask me why a Trojan prince had a French name, I didn’t do it — to choose between them.

Paris granted it to Aphrodite in exchange for the love of Helen, who was already hitched. Her face launched 997 ships, a figure rounded up by the poets. A war happened. My fault. Lots of people died.

Achilles took an arrow to an ankle. These are myths. Lies spun by the media of the time. An attempt to explain to the families back home why the Greeks would lay siege on a walled city for years and years when they could have just tried the door.

So we have the apple, and we have jealousy, and we have chaos at the root of it all. I shouldered all the blame and enjoyed the solace of a hot dog with no bun, such was the pain of the original snub. Do you really believe that?

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