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A monologue from the play by Tanya Saracho
LUCIA (twenty-nine)
Lucia (pronounced “Loo-chia” ) is a writer for a TV series. Here, she is telling her friend Abel who is a janitor at the studio, about an incident that occurred in the writer ’s room.
Oooh, Abel. You have to tell me if you know of a Senora that can do a maleficio on someone. I’ll pay anything.
I am seriously considering putting a hex on someone. “Witch” is offensive — I say Senora, but yes, I’m seriously in need of one —
to f***ing curse that Gary f***er who is the biggest hack who ever walked the f***ing earth. OhmyGa. I can’t f***ing stand him.
Look how late it is and we were all still up there because of him. He unravels the whole thing by pitching the most ridiculous thing in the history of things.
He literally wants Rosa to frame someone by rubbing a dog — a DOG, Abel — on a bed.
He’s proposing she bring a little dog to this dirty cop’s house and to literally RUB the little animal on a literal bed.
And what’s insane was that all the other writers were kind of nodding, not disagreeing, not saying “that is the most ridiculous thing on the planet” but just letting Gary talk.
And I don’t know when I dropped into my c*nt but I said, “really? She’s going to crawl in the window carrying a dog and then “rub” a bed with it?”
And then it’s like everyone woke up and John, sorry, my boss, snapped out of it… So, he — mi “jefe” — finally shuts that sh*t down.
And this is when I see my chance, I guess, so I sit up and pitch, “why doesn’t Rosa just leave dog hair on his clothes?” — I’ll explain the whole thing.
We have to link the dog to the guy. It’s stupid. —Anyway. John was like, “oh, yeah. What a great idea, Lusha.” That simple. And that was that.
But Gary? He had daggers for me. I was like, I better wait down here in my office or he’ll jump me in the parking lot.
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