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A monologue from the play by Martha Patterson
OLIVE (thirties)
Olive runs an antique shop but, despite never having acted before, is desperately trying to get an audition as an actress.
She wants to be a star. She is calling a major regional theatre.
Is this Huntington Theatre Company? My name is Olive Allen. Did you write that down? Thank you…yes, I’m calling because I need an audition with you…
Yes, yes, I know, I did send a picture and resume, but you don’t get it – I really need this audition. …Well, because I’m a talent, that’s why.
And I’ll have you know that Harold Prince is a friend of mine. I met him in a taxi in New York City once. Harold Prince!
He’s called Hal in the New York Times. He stole my taxi from me I mean, how rude! It was raining and he said he needed a ride fast.
I had to hail another cab … Well, ah…I was in a Girl Scout pageant when I was ten – but that was only as an amateur – and I sang in my church choir.
I was excellent. My mother cried. …My aunt wrote play reviews for the Worcester Sentinel. She really knew her stuff, too.
Never hesitated to say when something was crap. There’s a ditzy little girl who’s playing there at the Huntington now, the part of a hooker.
I met her last week. She was kind enough to tell me, a woman of experience, that I could easily get an audition with you.
Let me tell you, I’m better than her! I could play a hooker, no problem. After all I’ve been married eight years, I do know a little about sex.
Hey, I can come in today, or tomorrow, or any day next week. I have a coach! I really do! He’s an expert, trust me.
Knows the meaning of the word “theatrical.” (Pause) Look, just give me the audition, will you? I promise I’ll be good. …Oh, please, please, please?
Listen – you don’t know what talent is ‘til you’ve seen me. I can cry on cue, I can slam a door, I can slap a cheating husband.
And I know Ophelia. … No, no, you don’t get it! I’ve wanted to do this all my life!
I’ve prepared the speech of Ophelia from Hamlet – and if I do say so, I look much younger than my real age! …
Oh, my God! You mean I can do it? An audition! That’s just great, just great. … Thursday at 10:00 am is kind of early.
I’m usually eating toast and coffee at that hour. But I will be there. With my headshot and everything! Thank you so much!
And by the way, I watch the Oscars every year. And the Tony’s. And the Golden Globes. So I know good acting, believe me! I’ll do you proud! Thank you! (Hangs up.)
Jesus Christmas! What do you know? Anyone who doesn’t know the meaning of persistence never met me.
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