The Belle Of Belmar – Monologue (Lorna)

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A monologue from the play by Nicole Pandolfo

LORNA (thirty five)

Lorna, a single mom who is something of a shopaholic, calls a psychic hotline for shopping and dating advice.

Psychic Hotline? I’m calling because I have a few questions for you. Ok. Yes. Ok. Great. One of the things I’m wondering about is whether or not to buy this Kate Spade mini-satchel in burnt tangerine

that would go really great with understated neutrals and that I believe could carry me from autumn to winter and even into spring and summer with the right accessories.

It’s on final sale for $235 which is a significant dis­count, but of course it cannot be returned and the last time I tried to sell something on Ebay I ended up having to pay the buyer … it’s a long story …

Oh my God. Ok. Yes. I mean it works with all four seasons. I mean it’s an investment, but you know, you gotta invest in yourself right? … I so agree. Ok. Great. My next question.

There is this guy who messaged me on Match who apparently went to my high school, but of course I don’t remember him, but he seems really nice and cute and it looks like he has an actual job

and is divorced for three years now and has one daughter who is 9 which I think is a great age and his wife is remarried so she shouldn’t be too much trouble, but I’ve really never been into blondes,

but he’s sort of a strawberry-blonde which is really cute, he’s Irish I think, which is like, hey—Luck o’ the Irish, am I right. But I’m just not sure what to do about him because normally I don’t date people who remember me from high school,

but I’m wondering if there is any indication on your end whether or not I should say yes or … Ok. Ok. I see. How long should I wait to reply? … Ok, normally I reply two weeks later … You really think that’s too long?

Well once I replied right away and the guy thought I was an escort and … Ok got it. Great. I’ll message him tomorrow afternoon. One last question. My daughter. Denise. She wants to go away to college in Boston,

but see, she’s had a rough year and I think that’s too far and that I should tell her no. Are you getting a reading one way or another on this, because this is pretty urgent and I’m hoping for some cosmic revelations.

I’m getting another call. Can you hold? Wait, how much is that a minute? … Maybe I’d better call you back. Ah- it’s beeping again. Gotta go.

Read the play here

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