Hold Please – Monologue (Jessica)

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A monologue from the play by Annie Weissman

Jessica is a young office worker in her twenties that has just been let go.

I thought her severance speech was a real cop-out. Totally derivative. I can’t believe I was so into Diana. She’s not such hot sh*t as I thought. Actually, I’m psyched to be fired because now I can pursue my true interest.

Hip hop music. Listen to this. (A rap.) Think you can f*** with a b*tch like me? N*gga PLEASE I’m the typa woman who could bring ya to yo knees I put you on hold Call you cold Open your mail

And not break a nail Duplicate triplicate Bring it on I’m hip with it I’ll staple you shut like Carni Wilson’s belly Stop your attempt at talkin like a militant Israeli I’ll turn you over face down and fax you to Japan

Then Scan your a** digitally and do it all again (She takes off her headphones.) I made it up. It’s called Secretary Rap. I want to be the first rap artist with an exclusively clerical content.

My name is gonna be White Out. I think it’s a good name, because: a) it’s a race-based pun, which is very commercial and b) correction fluid is so charmingly Carter administration. (Beat.)

Jonathan said he’d help me record my sh*t. His stepdad gave him a full suite of broadcast-quality recording equipment when he graduated from rehab the first time. (Beat.)

And then when Jonathan’s band finds a bassist and strings some gigs together, I’m going to be their roadie. Except I’ll never leave the apartment. I’ll teletour with them, from our Imac at our apartment.

I mean, my Imac at my apartment — where he moved in most of the stuff he’s not still keeping at his drummer’s and his mom’s boyfriend’s places. It’s gonna be f***in rad, I hope.

Nowadays you don’t even have to GO on the road to be a roadie. Isn’t it a cool time to be alive? You can do it from the privacy of your home, courtesy of the computer. I’m looking forward to the future. I really am.

We can’t even imagine what’s next. Can you believe there was a time when the notion of electricity seemed like a miracle, a f***ing unimaginable phenomenon? And now it’s like, so what?

We take it utterly for granted. Think of all the things we can’t even think of yet that are gonna be that important! Things that seem impossible now are gonna be totally boring in just a few short years.

It’s so cool to think about. (Beat.) I heard that at Taylor, Traylor, and Dane, they have unlimited free Snapple in the break room. I might pursue a part-time position there if my hip hop doesn’t blow up right away. Me and Jonathan really like Snapple.

Read the play here

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