THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING – Monologue (Patty)

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A monologue from the play by Prince Gomolvilas

PATTY (late thirties)

Patty is an Asian-American woman who is part of a group of people who gather on the top of a Las Vegas wedding chapel every week for a UFO watch. She is obsessed with UFOs.

Note: Although this monologue was originally written to be played by an Asian-American, for your use in class or auditions you don’t necessarily have to be Asian-American.

Patty stands, facing the audience.

I want to talk about aliens. Not people from other countries. I want to talk about space creatures. Those types of aliens. You know what I’m talking about: big head, big black eyes, tiny holes where the nose should be, extremely thin lips.

They fly around in large metallic ships covered with bright lights, and they abduct normal human beings like you and me. I read that the chances of a person seeing a UFO is equal to the chances of a person witnessing a bank robbery.

I’m thirty-nine, and I have never seen a UFO. But I have witnessed five bank robberies. I am way overdue for a Close Encounter. I mean, just look at the odds.

Sometimes when I watch reruns of The X-Files and see all these amazing things happening to ordinary people — to ordinary white people — I get angry. Jealous, maybe. When is it going to be my turn?

Can’t life be fair for once? I deserve to see a UFO. I deserve to be abducted by aliens. I’ve been waiting so long for something to happen. This is my something, and I want it now.

So here’s what I’ve figured out: They’re not going to come to me until I’ve shown them that I’m ready. I think that they think that I’ve been unprepared. But no longer, I rent videos, read books, watch documentaries, do research at the library.

I’ve taken in an enormous amount of information on the subject. I know everything there is to know about Area 51, about Project Blue Book, about Roswell. I’ve written letters to the president, to my congressman, to the military, to NASA and to David Duchovny.

What do they say?
“Be Prepared.”
Well, guess what?
I am.
(Blackout.)

Read the play here

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