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A monologue from the play by Chad Beckim
SUSIE
Know what I just realized? Deodorant should actually be in this aisle, not two aisles down. Deodorant helps you smell good, right?
And toothpaste helps your breath smell good, right? wouldn’t it make more sense for them to all be in the same aisle? Huh. That’s really cool.
You’re not one of those “Axe” guys, are you? You know— (She “sprays” herself.) psssssshhhhhhhhhtttttttt! You’ve never seen it? “Axe”?
It’s this horribly smelly shit that for some reason guys think smell good and spray all over themselves. You don’t look like an “Axe” guy.
Please don’t be an “Axe” guy. I don’t get that, you know? Like, you’ll see these good looking guys, well groomed, well maintained, together, the kind of guy that you see and secretly think,
“He looks like a nice guy to talk to,” only then they walk past you and they smell like they just got stuck in a cologne thunderstorm.
You’re Latino, right? And you don’t stink like that. You smell natural. Like soap or something. which is good. So what’s up with that?
I only ask because, it actually made me stop dating black andLatin guys. which sucks, because I actually prefer black and Latin guys. white guys are too boring and Asian guys have mom issues.
And Jews. (She hangs her head again.) I’m sorry. That wasn’t racist, was it? I’m sorry. I’m not a racist, I swear. My ex is Latino. (A short beat. She smiles nervously.) I’m sorry. I talk too much.
I say too much dumb stuff. And I’m sorry I forced that toothbrush on you. I’m working on it, but it’s . . .
The deodorant aisle is that way. (She points.) Two aisles down.
