The Secret Of Life – Monologue (Carla)

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A monologue from the play by David Simpatico

CARLA (thirty-two – forty-two)

Carla, a self-help fitness guru pitches her unique diet plan – Sh*t or Get Off the Pot.

Hi. I’m Carla, and I wasn’t always like this. Pretty impressive, I know. But once I was just like you. Two years ago, I weighed in at 286 pounds and I was content to sit at home eating candy and watching the soaps and turning the mattress.

I was going to Hell in a handcart. And I was miserable. BUT NO MORE. It’s not impossible if you have the desire, ladies. Desire and love are all you really need to get started with my new at-home weight training program, SH*T OR GET OFF THE POT.

I know it is hard. I know it hurts. I have chewed my cud in the Pastures of Pain ladies, I am no stranger to the scars you are trying to hide inside your size 23 house-dress.

Diets are not de­signed for love, ladies, they are designed for punishment. You are bad so you must deny yourself, you must deprive yourself until you hit that bing!

magic pound and then you can relax and be yourself and you’re right one piece of pizza can’t hurt because look how good you are look how much weight you lost, you have conquered your metabolism,

you are finally a good little girl ok what the hell one more slice before he comes back from the bathroom he’ll never notice because look how skinny you are look how pretty

just one more slice quick hurry already hurry with the extra cheese and onions and pepperoni and oh my God the anchovies and all of a sudden the water starts leaking back into the boat

and you don’t know why but here you are going under again and you start bailing out the bilge but the bilge is you and they were right you are bad you are not worthy you are fat where is that g*ddamn pizza! DO FOR YOU.

Read the play here – PDF| New Play Exchange

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