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A monologue from the play by Tom Dudzick
BEATRICE (sixties)
Beatrice Pomeroy is a bawdy, nightclub entertainer who has been cast, or miscast, in a Broadway play about a sweet and gentle middle American family.
This is her first scene and rehearsal has already began. The cast have not met her yet, and she has just arrived — late!
OK, here they are, I found ’em, babe, thanks a lot! Whew! Didn’t think I’d ever find it. Will somebody tell me what the hell happened to Broadway?!
It’s g*ddamn Disney World out there! Nothin’ but tourists! And they’re useless! Ask ’em directions, they don’t know their a** from their elbow!
Who y’gonna ask? Can’t find a cop, can’t find a hooker. And willya tell me where’s all the hookers?! There’s fourteen-year-old girls dressed like hookers, but those are the tourists!
It’s all mixed up! Hi everybody, how are ya’, sorry I’m late. Sit, sit. It’s this Alexander Graham Bell Hotel, that’s the problem.
The Eli Whitney, some inventor hotel, who knows! They’ve invented a new kind of rudeness, I’ll tell ya’ that. It’s on account of them putzes I’m late.
See, I checked in last night, walked into my room, made a beeline for the can. I’d been holdin’ it since La Guardia.
And sittin’ on the sink is this little basket of toiletries. Cutest damn thing I ever saw.
Eentsie-weentsie bottles, soaps and doo-dads, in this tiny wicker basket with a gingham ribbon. Oh, I couldn’t get over it.
You don’t find that kinda thing at Motel Six, I can tell ya’ that. Well, I thought this would make a helluva little gift for everybody here at the first rehearsal.
So I called the front desk this morning and asked if they could come up with five more. Big outfit like that, what’s it to ’em?
“I’m sorry, madam, but if we did that for everyone, we would soon be out of business.” Well, you can kiss my ask-me-no-questions, fella!
(Reaches into bag.) But Pomeroy came through, gang. When in doubt, go to the people. The American way. I started knockin’ on doors.
And people can be so nice, y’know? (Pulls a toiletry basket from bag.) See that? Isn’t that adorable? Did a lot of free PR for the show, too.
The twenty-first floor knows we’re here, I’ll tell ya’ that! Here, that’s for you. (Hands basket to Mike.) You the playwright? Here y’go, Shakespeare.
There’s some bubble bath in there. Now, here’s what you wanna do. Tonight, you take a nice soothing soak in the tub with those bubbles, see.
Then tomorrow, when you wake up all relaxed, maybe you can come up with a couple of new jokes for Act Two. I’ll show you where they go.
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