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A monologue from the play by Dan Kitrosser
June and Loomer have just run away from a crime scene, where they were the witnesses to a double murder.
June, who has a secret of her own, wants to coerce Loomer into taking on a new identity.
We can’t have people calling us, or coming after us, okay? We have to be completely untraceable. We have to create new lives for ourselves, Loomer.
Everything you once knew about yourself you have to change. Your name, your age, your history. All of it.
Okay, my name is going to be something nice, something wonderful. Something like Rosemary, but different.
Harpsichord. Harpsichord Hall. Muth. Harpsichord Hallmuth. Okay? And you’re my husband. Rick. Lo. Ben. Ton. Ricklobenton. Ricklobenton Hallmuth. Okay.
And where are we from? Where are we from, Loomer? We have to be from somewhere. Maybe we’re from, I don’t know . . . Idaho!
Yes, we’ve been struggling potato farmers. And we’re out east because we’re looking to start growing parsnips.
No, no one would buy that. Turnips! And we met on a cruise, I was dancer at sea and you were on your honeymoon with an unidentified Hollywood starlet.
But she only cared about her career and you wanted her to work on your farm and then you saw me in a little burlesque number
while we were rounding the Caribbean Sea, and the number was called “Potato Skins” and it was very sultry.
And you fell in love with me and I came back to Idaho and became a proper woman until a potato famine struck which threatened not only our livelihood, but our very marriage.
You took to drinking and I delved into color-by-numbers water-coloring.
It wasn’t until we saw an ad for turnip farming that we finally faced ourselves in the mirror and said, “We have to do this.
We have to go out there and change. Not just for our business. But for each other.” (She takes a breath.) That’s a beautiful story, isn’t it?
Just came up with it, like right on the spot. You think you can remember it?
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