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A monologue from the play by Peter M. Floyd
CHLOE (twenties – thirties)
Chloe has a theory that literary characters actually exist, which she shares with two friends.
So, William Shakespeare wrote Hamlet. Okay? He creates this character. (as Shakespeare) “Here’s me writing about this tight-a**ed Dane whose life is going down the crapper.” And so, poof!
Somewhere out there, Hamlet comes into existence. Like, a real person. I’m not talking about f***ing historical f***ing Hamlet. I’m talking about ***ing William f***ing Shakespeare’s f***ing Hamlet.
When you create a work of fiction, you literally create that world. It’s out there. Somewhere. You are that world’s god. And you don’t even know it! Somewhere there’s a world where Hamlet really happened, and Shakespeare is god of that world.
There’s another world where Pride and Prejudice is true, and Jane Austen is goddess there. And somewhere, in some pathetic sh*thole, there’s a world where Twilight is real, and the god of that world is whoever the f*** that person is who wrote Twilight.
It’s a working theory. Just bear with me. So, get this. Imagine you’re Hamlet. You’re Hamlet, and your life is suckville. You’re like, what is this? (as Hamlet) “My uncle kills my dad, my mom’s a total wh*re,
my girlfriend’s this suicidal hippy-dippy b*tch, and pretty much everyone I know is getting stabbed or poisoned. What’s up with that?” You got a life like that, you’d pray to God, and say,
“Hey, God, why does my life have to be this frickin’ vale of tears? What’s up with that sh*t?” This world has a god. Shakespeare. So, imagine this scenario. Hamlet meets God, who’s Shakespeare, and he’s like, what the f***, dude?
Why’d you make my life such a mess? And what would Shakespeare say? What could he say? “Sorry, guy, I had to make your life be a sh*tstorm so that people could enjoy a good tragedy.
No hard feelings.” I mean, can you imagine that? Your life is a f***ing carbonated cesspool just so a bunch of other people can be entertained. And it’s not just Hamlet, not just Shakespeare.
Look at, what, Peter Rabbit. Peter F***ing Rabbit! His creator-goddess is Beatrix Potter and she sends that psychopathic b*stard Mr. MacGregor after him. Why? Just to give the kids a laugh. Is that crazy, or what?