In Service Of Venus – Monologue (Back Of House)

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A monologue from the play by Anna Wilcoxen

BACK OF HOUSE (thirty one)

In Service Of Venus takes place in a fictional, surreal restaurant that only serves marshmallows from plastic cups.

The play tells the story of The Front of House Character and The Back of House Character (main protagonist) who are struggling to make sense of their love lives as women in their thirties working a low-paying job and immersed in the digital age of dating.

You wanna talk about love? ok, fine, I’ll bite. Let me tell ya some sh*t about being 30 and single…Wait… am I 31 now? Damn it, I am. Well, let me tell ya some sh*t about being 31 and single.

It feels like the whole world is just constantly nagging at me like, “Why aren’t you married? You know if you plan on having kids you should do that soon.” And I’m like,

“oh yeah, I’ll just take my broke single a** down to the sperm bank and get some dude’s j*rk-off soup turkey basted into my Easy Bake baby oven. Then, ya know,

it’s as simple as settin’ the timer for 9 months and then ta-da! Now life can truly begin! You know that’s not how this sh*t works!” And before you say anything about childbirth being a miracle,

just keep in mind that this so-called “miracle” happens 4.3 times every second, which is 256 births worldwide per minute, and 369,640 times per day. Yeah, I’ve done the math. And that’s pretty damn common for a “miracle.”

Look, I just wonder how many times I have to tell people that I don’t even want kids or marriage before they believe me. You wanna know what I want? Ya wanna know what I really want right now?

I want some f***ing cheesecake. I want endless pizza and m*sturbation parties. I want to watch that one really cute barista f*** a watermelon. I don’t know why, I just do.

I want to be like an 80-year-old-man and able to fart freely wherever I am and never have to apologize for it. I want people to truly understand the importance of Ghostbusters,

and how the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was the best villain of all time because he was a beloved childhood symbol of hope, and it’s hard to defeat something you believed in since childhood.

That’s complexity, man. And speaking of love, I mean, yeah, I do want love. Of course I do. Just, maybe not in the traditional sense. And I want some cheesecake!

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