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A monologue from the play by Colman Domingo
ADELAIDE (sixties, African American)
Note: For class or for auditions, actress could be any age
Adelaide is telling her son Gil about a recent house guest she had.
I almost died yesterday. A curse! I simply asked her to take off her shoes when she came in the door. You know I don’t like people tracking their lives in my house. She looked at me kind of funny.
Then I made the mistake of asking her to use a coaster for her pineapple spritzer and she looked at me kinda sideways! And when she got up to use the bathroom, I simply told her I laid out hand towels,
chile, you woulda thought I told her that Ike Turner was in there waiting for her! And then, during our ladies lunch she proceeded to contradict everything I said. If I said the sky was blue—
she said that she wasn’t so sure. For the life of me, I don’t know why Lavinia would bring someone like that to my elegant home. Well, I found out when Shavon, Sherelle or whatever her name was, was in the bathroom that Lavinia was her host.
This woman was at least sixty and from Haiti. Mmm hmm, she was staying with Lavinia for free in exchange for light housekeeping duties.
Now, Ms. Lavinia may be a big-ole thick woman who laughs like a man who’s got some unfortunate cankles, but she is SMART! Chevron just kept staring at me in a funny way and muttering something under her breath.
It was witchcraft or something! Ooohh girl, you should have seen her. She was just as evil as sin. She was wearing this tight brown dress cutting off all her circulation and those men’s work boots? Timberlands.
What sixty-something-year-old woman wears Timberlands? And I am GIVING her sixty-something because she looked as old as Methuselah! She was wearing Timberlands and I was suspect!
She had the thinnest hair I’ve ever seen on a grown woman. Her hair was real thin and was pulled to the back in a couple of plats. I guess she was fussing with it in the bathroom cause when she came out it was everywhere.
Honey, it look like she had a head full of baby hair! She was evil. You know women who can’t grow no hair are evil. I am sure she took one look at my thick Indian hair and reached for her spells and potions.
The moment she and Ms. Lavinia left I started getting sick. I told you she was Haitian, didn’t I? SHE PUT A CURSE ON ME! My face got all swole up, I started throwing up and I had a fever.
I felt sick as a dog and my hair itched. (pause) If the UPS man didn’t show up with my Limited Edition Genuine Porcelain Cinderella Doll from the QVC, I would be speaking to you from beyond the grave right now.