The House of Blue Leaves – Monologue (Bananas)

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A monologue from the play by John Guare

Act 1, Scene 1


I see a scene that you wouldn’t see in your wildest dreams. Forty-second Street. Broadway. Four corners. Four people.

One on each corner. All waving for taxis. Cardinal Spellman. Jackie Kennedy. Bob Hope. President Johnson.

All carrying suitcases. Taxi! Taxi! I stop in the middle of the street – the middle of Broadway – and I get out of my Green Latrine and yell, “get in.”

They keep waving for cabs. I run over to President Johnson and grab him by the arm. “Get in.”

And pull Jackie Kennedy into my car and John-John, who I didn’t see, starts crying and Jackie hits me and I hit her and I grab Bob Hope and push Cardinal Spellman into the back seat, crying and laughing, “I’ll take you where you want to go. Get in!

Give me your suitcases” – and the suitcases spill open and Jackie Kennedy’s wigs blow down Forty-Second Street and Cardinal Spellman hits me and Johnson screams and I hit him. I hit them all.

And then the Green Latrine blew four flat tires and sinks and I run to protect the car and four cabs appear and all my friends run into four different cabs.

And cars are honking at me to move. I push the car over the bridge back to Queens. You’re asleep.

I turn on Johnny Carson to get my mind off and there’s Cardinal Spellman and Bob Hope, whose ski-nose is still bleeding, and they tell the story of what happened to them and everybody laughs.

Thirty million people watch Johnny Carson and they all laugh. At me. At me. I’m nobody.

I knew all those people better than me. You. Ronnie. I know everything about them. Why can’t they love me?

Read the play here

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