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A monologue from the play by Jack Thorne
I used to have a fat friend. Sheridan. Named after a Sheffield Wednesday footballer – and they wondered why she ate?
Bulimia in the end. She got hospitalised once she turned yellow.
Then they moved her from the school – when she got out – of hospital – because they wanted to ‘change her routine’ and they weren’t sure our school was a ‘healthy environment’.
Like any school is a healthy environment. But I did like watching her eat. With every mouthful you just saw this look of pure gratitude crossing her face – like – I can’t believe I’m getting to eat this… this is awesome.
I say ‘friend’. She wasn’t really. My friends are different. I’m – difficult to explain without sounding thick – but me and her don’t fit like that.
Not that I fit anywhere. I’m the unfit fitter. I don’t fit. But not in a bad way. Just in a – way.
To give an instance – and this is true – and very very illustrative – everyone came to my eighteenth-birthday party –
I mean, every single one of the twenty-five I invited – and all were important – but also everyone left my birthday party – every single one of the twenty-five – at 10.30 p.m.
Which is not a normal time to leave any birthday party, I know. And that’s what I mean about…
But they were bored and it was quite shit and they thought it’d be quite funny to leave, and it sort of was, you know?
Funny. Still quite an embarrassing one to explain to your parents. Where are all your friends? Um. Hiding. No.
They’ve gone. Obviously. Where have they gone? Um. Home. Probably. Why? Why have they gone? Turn.
Look parents in the eye. Because this was pointless. I basically turned it all on them. Which was fair enough.
They’d made some effort. But the wrong effort. And so had I. I mean, it was mostly my fault.
There was booze – but there were too many snacks and not enough Ann Summers’ toys or something. I don’t know.
Anyway, it’s not as bad as it sounds… Still. Mum apologised a week later for it being crap.
But she didn’t do it well enough. So I stole her wallet. She spent ages looking for it. ‘I know I must have left it somewhere.’
Turned the house upside down. Had to cancel all her cards. And being Mum and slightly overcautious about most things, cancelling all her cards included cancelling her library card –
‘I just don’t want to accrue unnecessary fines, that’s all.’ She said. I put it in her sock drawer two days later. Minus one pound fifty exactly just to see if she’d notice. She didn’t.
She was pleased. To get it back. Anyway, that’s… what’s complicated. That’s part of my resettlement software.
Abe didn’t come to the party. We’d only been together six weeks then – he decided it’d be too much of a ‘thing’.
That’s when we had sex actually. That night.
After he decided he couldn’t come to my birthday party because it was too much of a commitment I decided that I’d give him my Virginia County.