Tolstoy In New Jersey – Monologue (Glenda)

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A monologue from the play by Sam Bobrick

GLENDA (late twenties – mid thirties)

Glenda Smith is a very confused young woman who finds herself caught between two lovers.

She addresses the audience as to what her needs once were and now are.

Why is it that everything I touch turns to crap? I learn how to drive, I run over my baby brother. At the high school prom my date falls off the hotel roof.

And it’s not just little things. It’s everything in general. Sometimes I think I was put on earth just to give God a good laugh.

(looking up to God)

Well, the joke is over and I don’t get it.
(to audience)

It’s really not that much I want out of life.
(Produces a paper.)

Here’s a list I made out not too long ago, before I was really aware of my true needs.
(Reads.)

Number one on the list, a man.
(to audience)

I’m not so sure about that any more. They seem to be a very confused breed. Always having to try to prove themselves.

Stop it and grow up. Either a man is a man or he isn’t. If he is, he is. If he isn’t, he isn’t. So what’s the big mystery?

Number two on my list. . .
(Looks at list.)

Kids? I must have been drunk when I made this list. To be very hon­est, kids today, no, I don’t think so.

If you don’t know enough about who you are, why would you even give a sh*t about who they are? So number two is in the trash can.

(Looks at list.)

Number three, a career.
(to audience)

Doing what? I hate computers and I despise people. Where do I go with skills like that? The DMV?

Great, I’ll stand on my feet all day long and get varicose veins. No thank you. Number four . . .
(Looks at list.)

A BMW convertible. So far that’s the only thing that still makes sense. The bottom line is that some people are luckier than other people.

It’s that simple.

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