Martian Gothic – Monologue (Sonia)

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A monologue from the play by Don Nigro

SONIA (twenties – thirties)

Sonia is a spokesperson for the nuclear power industry. She is talking to Nofinsger, her boss.

Sometimes I perform cute experiments with static electricity, make little Susie’s hair stand on end, that sort of thing. I’m a graduate of Mr. Wizard. I also do a number about how plutonium is so safe you can hold it in the palm of your hand.

It’s true, you can, really, if you don’t mind having a hole in your hand the size of a half dollar. That way you can cry into your hands and still see the men coming to take you away.

(She demonstrates briefly.) I’m joking. That’s how I keep you on my side — show you I’ve got a sense of humor. Trust me. Would you be paying me all this money if I didn’t know what I was doing?

These people I work for are not operating a charitable organization here. They’re good American capitalists. This is not the Red Cross. And let me assure you how perfectly safe you will be,

living in the shadow of this wonderful nuclear power facility we’ve built in your area whether you liked it or not. You have no doubt heard from certain members of the lunatic fringe wild charges about the dangers of such plants.

Now, I don’t want to be tacky here — I’m not sure I could be tacky if I wanted to — but most of these people have even less functioning brain matter than my sister, and they’re not nearly as good looking. As me.

Of course, I was hired entirely because of my extensive scientific background, not for my shapely buttocks, or for my pouting sensuous lips, but for the eloquence that streams out perpetually from them. My lips.

They might just as easily have hired a four-hundred-pound dwarf, or the Elephant Man, if he’d had the same intellectual qualifications and communications skills that I possess.

Read the play here

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