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A monologue from the play by Lindsey Ferrentino
KATHY (twenties – early forties)
Kathy is a loud-mouthed, fun-loving, over-sharing caretaker at a group home for adults with down syndrome. She is eight months pregnant, but still makes sure to take her smoke breaks (even though she doesn’t smoke).
She is the walking embodiment of Long Island, New York. The audience shouldn’t know to whom she is speaking for most of the monologue, until it is revealed that she is sharing all of this with a convenience store worker at a rest stop.
My dumba** boyfriend— he wants to host a big-a** baptism, we’re not even married, but God forbid we miss this f***in’ sacrament! So now we’re pickin’ God parents which is the sickest sh*t,
you know, it’s like WHO outta you people will care for my baby if I can’t. I’m like, “My best friend obviously.” He’s like “Your best friend’s a pot head.” I’m like—- ” well, point taken.” My dumb-a** boyfriend’s got two sisters.
One’s happily married, big house, I’m like let’s pick her, she cooks a good ziti and buys me gifts, but problem is— she already got kids of her own. Lemme tell ya, two kids, close in age, you got your hands full.
Then he’s got this LOSER sister who nobody picks. Nobody picks her for anything. The good sister didn’t pick her for either of her two kids, but my dumb-a** boyfriend’s like “we gotta pick her, nobody picks her! ”
I’m like, “there’s a F***IN reason why!” She lives with your f***in’ father and take how she treats those dogs. Their dad watches dogs, ya know, for extra money. I dunno, he loves dogs.
He’s like— gay for dogs. Well this a**hole dog comes in the house, sh*ts on the dad’s sofa when the dad’s not home. My dumb-a** boyfriend wants to hose it off, but the loser sister says we should leave the sh*t to teach their father a lesson.
Lemme tell you this. It’s HIS house. She don’t pay rent. He takes in extra dogs to support his loser daughter and she’s gonna let the dog sh*t ferment? Uh-uh.
My dumb-a** boyfriend’s dragging the whole couch outside, gettin’ the hose, she’s screaming in the driveway,“LEAVE THE SH*T ON THE CUSHION TO TEACH DAD TO RESPECT HIMSELF! “
I’m all yeah, Rosario, if you think that’s who I want to care for my baby, you’re outta your g*ddamn mind. What’re these, beef jerkys on sale? I’ll take four. And fill her up on pump thirteen.
Oh God, what to do… Look. I’m not sayin’ there are only bad people in the world. ‘Cause there are a lot of good ones too. And most of us in between.
But as my dumb-a** boyfriend always says: Beggars cannot be choosers. If it ain’t YOU raisin’ that baby… who knows what you’re gonna get.