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A monologue from the play by Neil Simon
Do you know Charlotte Korman, big, red-headed, buxom woman, her husband is the Mercedes-Benz dealer in Wantagh?
Mel doesn’t like her. He doesn’t want me to see her.
He doesn’t want her to be my friend, doesn’t want her to come to our house; he can’t stand Charlotte Korman.
He’s been having an affair with her for eight months!
I had to stop seeing her three times a week so he could see her four times a week. These are the times we live in, Barney.
You know what my proof is? He told me.
Two o’clock in the morning, he leans over, taps me on the shoulder and says, “I’ve had an affair with Charlotte Korman.”
Who asked him? When he tapped me on the shoulder in the middle of the night I thought he wanted me!
You know what it is to wake up from a sound sleep with no eyelashes and a dry mouth and hear that your husband is getting it from a woman you’re not allowed to see for lunch?
And you know why he told me, Barney? He explained it to me. We’re living in a new guiltless society.
You can do anything you want as long as you’re honest about it. Aren’t we lucky to be living in such a civilised age?
In the old days I would have gone to my grave ignorant of the wonderful and beautiful knowledge that my husband was spending his afternoons humping Charlotte Korman!…
When he told me, I didn’t say a word. I went down to the kitchen and made myself a cream cheese and jelly sandwich on date-nut bread.
And that was the last time in eight months that I tasted food… I estimate, going four times a week, I should be through with Doctor Margolies in another year.
And then, when we both think I’m ready, I’m going to get in my car and drive off the Verrazano Bridge. In the meantime, I’m very depressed.
Excuse me, Barney. Nothing personal, but I don’t think we’re going to have our affair.
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