60 Comedic Monologues for Men – Hilarious Contemporary & Classic Pieces

man laughing extremely hard - comedic monologues for men

10 Best Contemporary Comedy Monologues For Men From Plays

1. THE ODD COUPLE

A monologue from the play by Neil Simon

Act 3

Oscar

(talking to Felix) I’ll tell you exactly what it is. It’s the cooking, cleaning and crying…. It’s the talking in your sleep, it’s the moose calls that open your ears at two o’clock in the morning…. 

I can’t take it anymore, Felix. I’m crackin’up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come in irritate me…. 

You leave me little notes on my pillow. I told you a hundred times, I can’t stand little notes on my pillow. “We’re all out of Corn Flakes. F.U.”…. 

It took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Unger…. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination. That’s just the frame. 

The picture I haven’t even painted yet…. I got a typewritten list in my office of the “Ten Most Aggravating Things You Do That Drive Me Berserk”…. 

But last night was the topper. Oh, that was the topper. Oh, that was the everloving lulu of all times.

Good. Because now I’m going to tell you off… For six months I lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight rooms… I was dejected, despondent and disgusted… 

Then you moved in. My dearest and closest friend… And after three weeks of close, personal contact—I am about to have a nervous breakdown!… 

Do me a favor. Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, and your meat thermometer… 

When you want to come out, ring a bell and I’ll run into the bedroom. I’m asking you nicely, Felix… As a friend… Stay out of my way or let me get in one shot. You pick it. 

Head, stomach, or kidneys… It’s no use running, Felix. There’s only eight rooms and I know the short cuts. It’s over, Felix. 

The whole marriage. We’re getting an annulment! Don’t you understand? I don’t want to live with you anymore. I want you to pack your things, tie it up with your Saran Wrap and get out of here!

Read the play here

Related: The Odd Couple (Oscar 2)

2. MOJO

A monologue from the play by Jez Butterworth

Act 2, Scene 2

Baby

….I was about nine, bit younger, and my dad tells me we’re driving to the country for the day. He’s got this half share in this caff at the time, and it was doing really badly. 

There was a war on. So he was always really busy working day and night, so like, this was totally out of the blue. 

So I got in his van with him, and we drive off and I notice that in the front of the cab there’s this bag of big sharp knives. And a saw and a big meat cleaver. 

And I thought ‘This is it. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to take me off and kill me once and for all.’ And I sat there in silence all the way to Wales and I knew that day I was about to die. 

So we drive till it goes dark, and Dad pulls the van into this field. And we sit there in silence.

And there’s all these cows in the field, watching us. And suddenly Dad slams his foot down and we ram this f***ing great cow clean over the top of the van. 

And it tears off the bonnet and makes a great dent in the top, but it was dead all right. See we’d gone all the way to Wales to rustle us a cow. For the caff. 

Now a dead cow weighs half a ton. So you’ve got to cut it up there and then. And I was so relieved I had tears in my eyes. 

And we hacked that cow to pieces, sawing, chopping, ripping. With all the other cows standing around in the dark, watching. 

Then when we’d finished, we got back in the cab and drove back to town. Covered in blood.

Read the play here

3. DONTRELL, WHO KISSED THE SEA

beautiful sea surrounded by cliffs

A monologue from the play by Nathan Alan Davis

Robby

Listen, people gonna do what they do. ’Specially your brother. You were prolly too young to remember this. I was five. So D was four. 

And we’re playin’ Power Rangers. We’ve created this epic wild-animal gladiator battle-type scenario, and it’s getting kind of intense—so we’re on a break. 

And we’re knockin’ back some KoolAids and whatnot, and allasudden he leans over all secretive and he’s like “I’m going to the zoo tomorrow.” 

And I’m thinkin’—cool. We goin’ to the zoo tomorrow —’cause you know how I do: I don’t like to miss events. So I clear my schedule for the next day. 

And when I come over here in the morning your mom answers the door and she calls for D, and he doesn’t come. And I say, “He’s not still sleeping is he? 

We gotta get to the zoo.” And your mom looks at me like “zoo?” And I walk with her back to D’s room and that little baller has bounced. I’m sayin’ like Kunta Kinte bounced. Forreal.

Got up all early, put some miles behind him before the sun came up, this kid was not playin’. And he was actually going the right direction, too, is the crazy thing.

 ’Cause when the cops finally find him he’s like on the r oute . But I just remember waiting … right here. Lookin’ at the door. Terrified. 

’Cause, to me at the time, the dangerous thing about going to the zoo without a grownup was one of the animals would eat you. 

So I’ve got these visions of D like, standing at the snack shop tryna buy a five dollar hotdog and then a bear tackles him and it’s over, and I don’t have a best friend anymore, you know?

And as far as my five-year-old brain is concerned the probability of that happening is like 95% so I’m basically in mourning—and then the door opens and it’s your mom and she’s got D in her arms and he’s lookin’ straight up pissed. 

He’s lookin’ grown man angry. ’Cause he wasn’t finished with his business. Knowhatimsayin’, and your mom is just crying and crying ’cause, you know she thought she had lost her baby … 

And the only thing I could think was: Dontrell’s invincible. He wrestled the bear and he won. And he doesn’t even have a scratch. 

And I’ve never doubted him and I’ve never worried about him ever since. That’s on the real.

Read the play here

4. THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG

A monologue from the play by Henry Lewis, Jonathan Sayer, and Henry Shields

Act 1

Chris

Good evening, ladies . . .
He steps into it . . . . and gentlemen and welcome to the Cornley Polytechnic Society’s spring production of The Murder at Haversham Manor.

I would like to personally welcome you to what will be my directorial debut, and my first production as head of the drama society.

We are particularly excited to present this play because, for
the first time in the society’s history, we have managed to find a play that fits the company’s numbers perfectly.

If we’re honest, a lack of numbers has hampered past productions, such as last year’s Chekov play; Two Sisters.

Or last Christmas’s The Lion and the Wardrobe, and of course our summer musical, Cat.

This will be the first time the society has been able to stage a play of this scale and we are thrilled.

It’s no secret we usually have to contend with a small budget, as we had to in last year’s presentation of Roald Dahl’s classic, James and the Peach.

Of course, during the run of that particular show the peach went off and we were forced to present a hastily devised alternative entitled James !

Where’s your Peach? Finally we’ve managed to stage a play as it should be, and cast it exceptionally well.

I’m sure no one will forget the problems we’ve faced with casting before, such as 2010’s Christmas presentation of Snow White and the Tall, Broad Gentlemen, or indeed our previous year’s pantomime, another Disney classic: Ugly…and the Beast.

But now, on with the main event, which I am confident will be our best show yet! So without any further ado, please put your hands together for Susie H.K. Brideswell’s thrilling whodunit – The Murder at Haversham Manor.

Read the play here

Related: The Play That Goes Wrong (Jonathan) | Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Chris) | Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Robert) | Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Dennis) | Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Travis)

5. THE DROWSY CHAPERONE

A monologue from the book by Bob Martin and Don Mckellar

Man

Okay. Now here it comes. The moment I was talking about. Not only the culmination of the plot, but a moment that has fascinated me more than any other and that has brought me back to this record again and again.

Here it comes. You see? You can’t quite make out what she says because someone drops a cane. I’ll play it for you again.

Is she saying “live while you can”, or “leave while you can,”?

I mean, it’s Beatrice Stockwell, so it might just be a cynical quip, but this is a wedding and that’s exactly what you think when you’re standing at the altar, isn’t it, “Live” or “Leave” and you have to live.

Because you do love her in some way. It’s not an exact science.

An arrow doesn’t come out of the sky and point to the one you’re supposed to be with.

So, one day you say it to someone, you say “I love you” and you basically phrase it as a question, but they accept it as fact and then suddenly there she is standing in front of you in a three thousand dollar dress with tears in her eyes, and her nephew made the huppah, so what do you do?

Do you say I was kidding, I was joking? No, you can’t! You live, right? You choose to live.

And for a couple of months you stare at the alien form lying next to you in bed and you think to yourself “Who are you? Who are you?”

And one day you say it out loud… then it’s a trial separation and couples counseling and all your conversations are about her eating disorder and your Zoloft addiction, and you’re constantly redefining and re-evaluating and revisiting before you finally lose the deposit on the house and the whole “relationship” boils down to an animated email on your birthday.

But still, in the larger sense, in a broader sense, it’s better to have lived than left, right?

6. MOTHERF**ER WITH THE HAT

A monologue from the play by Stephen Adly Guirgis

Jackie

Anyway, Veronica, I think, was upset about the AA woman even though for all she knows nothing happened, and so,

my belief is she started f***in’ the Motherf***er With The Hat so she could prove to herself that she don’t love me,

but, of course, we all know she do love me, but now, I found out about it ‘cuz the Motherf***er left his Hat on my table—

so—I got upset, I got a gun from Chuchi, and I took the hat and the gun to the Motherf***er with the Hat’s apartment downstairs, and . . . that’s when a incident happened.

All I did: I knocked on the door. Motherf***er with the Hat answered. I didn’t say nothing.

I just took the Hat—the hat from my house, tossed it on his carpet, stared him straight in his eye, cocked the gun, and shot the f***in’ Hat on the carpet.

Dass all I did.I shot his Hat. Dass all. And—BELIEVE ME—the motherf***er KNEW what that was about!

The problem is, the bullet went through his hat, ricko-shayed off his floor, blew out his big screen TV, and put a hole into the guy next door’s apartment who was home at the time, so, I had to, like, flee . . .

And now I gotta return the gun to f***in’ Chuchi, but he ain’t around, so could you please hide the f***in’ gun until, like, Chuchi could be located, please?

Read the play here

7.THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE

A monologue from the play by Martin McDonagh

Padraic

Padraic answers the phone while in the middle of torturing James, a drug dealer.

Will you hang on there a minute, James? It’s me dad. [into phone] I’m grand indeed, Dad, grand. How is all on Inishmore?

Good-oh. I’m at work at the moment, Dad, was it important now? . . . Oh, I’ve not been up to much. I put bombs in a couple of chip shops, but they didn’t go off . . .

Because chip shops aren’t as well guarded as army barracks. Do I need your advice on planting bombs? . . .

Well the fella who makes our bombs, he’s fecking useless. I think he does drink. One thing about the IRA anyways, as much as I hate the bastards, you’ve got to hand it to them, they know how to make a decent bomb . . .

Sure, why would the IRA be selling us any of their bombs? Those bastards’d charge the earth anyways. I’ll tell ya, I’m getting pissed off with the whole thing. I’ve been thinking of forming a splinter group . . .

I know we’re already a splinter group, but there’s no law says you can’t splinter from a splinter group. A splinter group is the best kind of group to splinter from anyways. It shows you know your own mind.

Read the play here

 8. ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS

 A monologue from the play by Richard Bean

Act 1, Scene 2

Francis

I’ve got two jobs, how did that happen? You got to concentrate
ain’t ya, with two jobs. Kaw! I can do it, long as I don’t get
confused. 

But I get confused easily. I don’t get confused that
easily. Yes I do. I’m my own worst enemy. Stop being negative.

I’m not being negative. I’m being realistic. I’ll screw it up. I
always do. Who screws it up? 

You, you’re the role model for village idiots everywhere. Me?! You’re nothing without me. You’re the cock up! 

Don’t call me a cock up, you cock up! (He slaps himself.) You slapped me!? Yeah, I did. And I’m glad I did.

(He punches himself back.) That hurt. Good. You started it. (A
fight breaks out, where he ends up on the floor.)

Read the play here

9. Looking Again 

woman in sexy blouse

A monologue from the play by Charles Evered

BILL

She wears a blouse like that because she wants to be able to see the extent to which you are able to keep yourself from lookin’ at ‘em. 

The point remains that the more you look at ‘em, the less likely it’ll be that you’ll enjoy ‘em someday. Be the cowboy, Steve. The cowboy doesn’t look at ‘em. 

The cowboy doesn’t have to. You’re supposed to be the cowboy. Used to be we’d cut down a tree and split it, throw some logs on the campfire and stir up some grub. 

Now what are we? We are exactly what the eunuchs who run television shows depicted us into being. Marginalized metro-sexual tubs of butter incapable of threatening our own shadows. 

We are confused, confounded, passive and compromised little toady boys. What are we? Are we men? Do men even really need to exist anymore? 

If they don’t need our penises anymore to have a baby, if you don’t even need to differentiate one gender from the other anymore, then why have two separate genders at all? 

Why don’t we all just be one gender? Why don’t we all just be a bunch of “Sam’s” or “Terri’s”—lets all cut our hair down just to the middle of our necks. 

Lets all wear pants or “chinos” or whatever the hell so called men wear now. 

Why have pants at all, when you think of it, lets just have “leg coverings” so as not to offend those who don’t feel comfortable wearing pants, and better yet, lets not wear clothes at all, as wearing them is in its own way discriminatory toward those who prefer not to so publicly declare their own gender. 

You want to be alive again brother? You want to break the chains? Don’t look at ‘em.

10. Noises Off 

A monologue from the play by Michael Frayn

Lloyd

Let me tell you something about my life. I have the Duke of Buckingham on the phone to me for an hour after rehearsal every evening complaining that the Duke of Gloucester is sucking boiled sweets through his speeches.

The Duke of Clarence is off for the entire week doing a commercial for Madeira. Richard himself — would you believe? Richard III? Has now gone down with a back problem.

I keep getting messages from Brooke about how unhappy she is here, and now she’s got herself a doctor’s certificate for nervous exhaustion — she’s going to walk!

I have no time to find or rehearse another Vicki.

I have just one afternoon, while Richard is fitted for a surgical corset, to cure Brooke of nervous exhaustion, with no medical aids except a little whisky — you’ve got the whisky? — a few flowers — you’ve got the money for the flowers? — and a certain faded charm.

So I haven’t come to the theatre to hear about other people’s problems. I’ve come to be taken out of myself, and preferably not put back again.

Read the play here

If you are looking for more contemporary comedy monologues check out our archive page.

10 Best Classical Comedy Monologues For Men From Plays

1. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER

A monologue from the play by Oliver Goldsmith

Act 3, Scene 1

Hardcastle

What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town? 

To me he appears the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. 

He took off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I’m desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will certainly be shocked at it. […]

I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties! Ay, he learned it all abroad—what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling. 

He might as soon learn wit at a masquerade. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French dancing-master. Whose look? whose manner, child?

Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. And can you be serious? 

I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again.

He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at making punch. 

Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch!

Read the play here

2.  THE WASPS

wasp - aristophanes

A monologue from the play by Aristophanes

Philocleon

At the outset I will prove to you that there exists no king whose might is greater than ours. Is there a pleasure, a blessing comparable with that of a juryman? 

Is there a being who lives more in the midst of delights, who is more feared, aged though he be? From the moment I leave my bed, men of power, the most illustrious in the city, 

await me at the bar of the tribunal; the moment I am seen from the greatest distance, they come forward to offer me a gentle handy-that has pilfered the public funds; 

they entreat me, bowing right low and with a piteous voice, “Oh, father,” they say, “pity me, I adjure you by the profit you were able to make in the public service or in the army, when dealing with the victuals.” 

Why, the man who speaks thus would not know of my existence, had I not let him off on some former occasion.

These entreaties have appeased my wrath, and I enter-firmly resolved to do nothing that I have promised. Nevertheless I listen to the accused. 

Oh! what tricks to secure acquittal! Ah! there is no form of flattery that is not addressed to the Heliast! Some groan over their poverty and exaggerate it.

 Others tell us anecdotes or some comic story from Aesop. Others, again, cut jokes; they fancy I shall be appeased if I won If we are not even then won over,

 why, then they drag forward their young children by the hand, both boys and girls, who prostrate themselves and whine with one accord, and then the father,

 trembling as if before a god, beseeches me not to condemn him out of pity for them, 

“If you love the voice of the lamb, have pity on my sons”; and because I am fond of little sows, I must yield to his daughter’s prayers. 

Then we relax the heat of our wrath a little for him. Is not this great power indeed, which allows even wealth to be disdained?

We are entrusted with the inspection of the young men, and thus we have a right to examine their tools. If Oeagrus is accused, he is not acquitted before he has recited a passage from ‘Niobe’ and he chooses the finest. 

If a flute-player gains his case, he adjusts his mouth-strap in return and plays us the final air while we are leaving. 

A father on his death-bed names some husband for his daughter, who is his sole heir; but we care little for his will or for the shell so solemnly placed over the seal; we give the young maiden to him who has best known how to secure our wavour. 

Name me another duty that is so important and so irresponsible.

Read the play here

3. THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL

A monologue from the play by Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Act 1, Scene 2

Sir Peter

When an old Bachelor takes a young Wife—what is He to expect—’Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest of men—and I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever committed wedlock. 

We tift a little going to church—and came to a Quarrel before the Bells had done ringing—I was more than once nearly chok’d with gall during the Honeymoon

and had lost all comfort in Life before my Friends had done wishing me Joy—yet I chose with caution—a girl bred wholly in the country

who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown—nor dissipation above the annual Gala of a Race-Ball

—Yet she now plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies of the Fashion and the Town, with as ready a Grace as if she had never seen a Bush nor a grass Plot out of Grosvenor-Square! 

I am sneered at by my old acquaintance—paragraphed—in the news Papers—She dissipates my Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours

—yet the worst of it is I doubt I love her or I should never bear all this. However I’ll never be weak enough to own it.

Read the play here

4. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST

A monologue from the play by Oscar Wilde

Act 1, Scene 1

Algernon

I haven’t the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one’s own relations. 

In the second place, whenever I do dine there, I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two. 

In the third place, I know perfectly well who she will place me next to, to – night. She will place me next to Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her husband across the dinner – table. 

That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent… and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with their husbands is perfectly scandalous. 

It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’s linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules.

Read the play here

5. MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC

MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC PLAY POSTER

A monologue from the play by Moliere

SBRIGANI

Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it.

(Goes away a small distance from MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.)

He is a man who looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody.

It is true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal of one’s neighbour.

All this is true. On the other hand, however, here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom be has never seen.

A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake.

(To MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC)

Yes, I think that I can tell you how things are without wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it all to you in the mildest way possible, and to spare people as much as I can.

If I were to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it would be going too far. I must find some milder term to explain myself.

The word coquette does not come up to the mark; that of downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I can make use of it to tell you honestly what she is.

 

Read the play here

 

6. SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL

cartoon mime and real girl sitting on stairs 
A monologue from the play by Stuart Walker
 

MIME

I’m on my way to the decapitation. I want to pick up a few coins. I’ll perform after the Queen has lost her head. I have to do my best because it’s hard to be more interesting than a decapitation.

After it’s all over the crowd will begin to talk and to move about, and I’ll have to rush up to the front of them and cry out at the top of my lungs, “Stop–Ho, for Jack the Juggler! Would you miss him?

In London where the king of kings lives, all the knights and ladies of the Court would leave a crowning to watch Jack the Juggler toss three golden balls with one hand or balance a weathervane upon his nose.”

Then a silence will come upon the crowd and they will all turn to me. Someone will say, “Where is this Jack the Juggler?” And I shall answer, “Jack the Jugler, the greatest of the great, the pet of kings, entertainer of the Pope and the joy of Cathay stands before you.”

And I’ll throw back my cloak and stand revealed. “So!” someone will shout, “Let us have it, Jack.” And I’ll draw my three golden balls from my pouch–like this–and then begin.

[Pause.] I’d show you, but I must be off. If I’m as interesting as the beheading, I’ll get perhaps fifteen farthings. Who knows? Well … goodbye!

Read the play here

7. THE INNOCENT MISTRESS

A monologue from the play by Mary Pix

Sir Francis

As for the damosels, three sorts make a bushel, and will be uppermost. First, there’s your common jilts will oblige every body. (…) You may call ’em what you please, but they are very plentiful, I promise you.

The next is your kept mistress, she’s a degree modester, if not kind to each, appears in her dress like quality, whilst her ogling eyes, and too frequent debauches discovers her the younger sister only to the first. (. . .)

The third is not a wh*re, but a brisk, airy, noisy coquette, that lives upon treating. One spark has her to the play, another to the park, a third to Windsor, a fourth to some other place of diversion.

She has not the heart to grant ’em all favours, for that’s their design at the bottom of the treats, and they have
not the heart to marry her, for that’s her design, too, poor creature.

So perhaps a year, or it may be two, the gaudy butterfly flutters round the kingdom, then if a foolish cit does not take compassion, sneaks into a corner, dies an old maid, despised and forgotten.

The men that fit those ladies are your rake, your cully, and your beau. (…) Gad, honest, honourable Ned, I must own I have a fling at all.

Sometimes I think it worth my while to make a keeper jealous; frequently treat the coquette, till either she grows upon me, or I grow weary of her.

Then ’tis but saying a rude thing, she quarrels, I fly to the next bottle, and there forever drown her
remembrance.

Read the play here

8. THE GOVERNMENT INSPECTOR

A monologue from the play by Nikolai Gogol

NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Revizor, A Comedy. Trans. Max S. Mandell. New Haven: Tuttle, Morehouse & Taylor Co., 1908.

Osip

Listen. Shhh! Listen. Can you hear it? Hear it now? That’s my stomach. Sorry, can’t do much about it. It’s a terrible thing, hunger. Haven’t had a crust in two days. 

God only knows how we’re going to get to his old man’s estate in Saratov. We don’t have a kopeck to our name. I mean, his dad’ll be good for a loan all right, but how do we get there without money? I’m bloody fed up, I can tell you.

Well, you should have seen it. Tragic. He meets an infantry captain on the way here, suggests a game of cards, and loses a pile. 

Even then we’d have had enough to get by on, only my master has to play the big shot, doesn’t he? ‘I say, do you have a quality room available? Something superior. And I’d like a decent supper. 

Absolutely the best you can provide, my good man.’ What bollocks, eh? I mean, it’s not as if he’s anyone important. A Collegiate Registrar. Right at the bottom of the heap.

The lowest rung on the ladder. Fourteen ranks available and what’s he? Yeah, you got it. Number fourteen. Any lower and you wouldn’t be in government service, you’d be a worm.

Ah, I miss St. Petersburg. I like it there. Oh yes, I know, the provinces aren’t all bad. There’s less to worry about. 

Get yourself a wife, and a man can spend his entire life lying by the stove eating hot pies. But still, there’s no getting away from it, you can’t beat Petersburg.

Read the play here

9. THE PHILANDERER

A monologue from the play by George Bernard Shaw

Paramore

(Despairingly.) The worst of news! Terrible news! Fatal news! My disease— (…) (Fiercely) [I mean my disease:] Paramore’s disease: the disease I discovered: the work of my life!

Look here! (He points to the journal with a ghastly expression of horror.) If this is true, it was all a mistake: there is no such disease. (…)

(Hoarsely.) It’s natural for you to think only of yourself. I don’t blame you: all invalids are selfish. Only a scientific man can feel what I feel now.

(Writhing under a sense of intolerable injustice.) It’s the fault of the wickedly sentimental laws of this country. I was not able to make experiments enough: only three dogs and a monkey.

Think of that, with all Europe full of my professional rivals! men burning to prove me wrong! There is freedom in France: enlightened republican France!

One Frenchman experiments on two hundred monkeys to disprove my theory. Another sacrifices £36—three hundred dogs at three francs apiece—to upset the monkey experiments.

A third proves them both wrong by a single experiment in which he gets the temperature of a camel’s liver sixty degrees below zero.

And now comes this cursed Italian who has ruined me. He has a government grant to buy animals with, besides having the run of the largest hospital in Italy.

(With desperate resolution.) But I won’t be beaten by any Italian. I’ll go to Italy myself. I’ll rediscover my disease: I know it exists; I feel it; and I’ll prove it if I have to experiment on every mortal animal thats got a liver at all.

(He folds his arms and breathes hard at them.)

Read the play here

10. TWO ROSES

two black cartoon roses

A monologue from the play by James Albery

Wyatt

I feel grateful when I see a nobly dressed swell. There’s a fine thoughtfulness of others about him; such fellows as you and I spend our money on books and beer, and pamper our wits and our wallets for our own special enjoyment.

But a swell he gets himself up for others, and he makes himself fine for me to look at. He pays himself for buttons and rings and chains for me to admire.

He charges me nothing to see him; I don’t have to get a ticket, but he comes out and I have a front place gratis. 

He don’t even want me to applaud, but goes on perseveringly in spite of the debts and pains, making himself beautiful to see, and perhaps while I’m enjoying his patent boots, he’s suffering from corns.

Oh, he’s a noble creature is a swell.

Read the play here

Check out the link below to discover over 40 classical monologues. 

More Classical Comedy Monologues for Men

 

20 Best Funny Male  Monologues From Movies 

1. Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery

A monologue from the screenplay written by Mike Myers

Dr. Evil

The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. 

My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. 

Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. 

My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. 

At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scr*tum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Watch the movie here

2. Fools Rush In

A monologue from the screenplay by Johnny Mercer

ALEX

This afternoon, I couldn’t decide between a tamale and a tuna melt, but my life made sense. And now, I know exactly what I want, and my life doesn’t make any sense. 

And I was doing fine this afternoon, I was doing great! That was me then. But I don’t know, somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt’s tamales… and they were really great. 

I was afraid that I had already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaner’s or something and I was just too busy to notice. But now I’m here and I see that that’s not true because.. it’s you. Isabel, you’re the one!

You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I’m not even sure what that means exactly, but I think it has something to do with the rest of my life! And I think we should get married. Right now!

Watch the movie here

3. Reservoir Dogs

A monologue from the screenplay written by Quentin Tarantino

Mr. Brown

Let me tell you what “Like a Virgin’” is about. It’s all about a girl who digs a guy with a big d*ck. The entire song, it’s a metaphor for big d*cks. Like a Virgin’s not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. 

That’s what True Blue’s about. Now, granted, no argument about that…Let me tell you what Like a Virgin’s about. It’s all about this cooze who’s a regular f*** machine. 

I’m talkin’ morning, day, night, afternoon, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck… Then one day, she meets this John Holmes motherf***er, and it’s like, whoa baby. I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in “The Great Escape”. 

He’s digging tunnels. She’s getting this serious d*ck action and she’s feelin’ something she ain’t felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn’t hurt her. You know, her pu**y should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat f***s her, it hurts. 

It hurts just like it did the first time. You see, the pain is reminding a f*** machine what it was once like to be a virgin. Hence … Like a Virgin.

Watch the movie here

4. The Producers

A monologue from the Broadway musical written by Mel Brooks

Max

I’m drowning! I’m drowning here! I’m going down for the last time! I…I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farm house. And I white picket fence… 

I’m running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex — Rex, stop it! — I see my mother, standing in the back porch in a worn but clean gingham gown. And she’s calling out to me…

“Alvin! Don’t forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin’ and the cows need a-milkin’! Alvin! Alvin! Al–” Wait a minute, my name’s not Alvin. That’s not my life! I’m not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo’s taken everything, even my past!

Watch the movie here

5. Step Brothers

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20 Best Comedic Shakespeare Monologues For Men From Plays

1. A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream

 

KCBalletMedia, CC BY 2.0
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0,
via Wikimedia Commons

Act 3, Scene 2

PUCK

My mistress with a monster is in love.
Near to her close and consecrated bower,
While she was in her dull and sleeping hour,
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
That work for bread upon Athenian stalls,
Were met together to rehearse a play,
Intended for great Theseus’ nuptial day.
The shallowest thickskin of that barren sort,
Who Pyramus presented in their sport,
Forsook his scene and entered in a brake.
When I did him at this advantage take,
An a**’s nole I fixèd on his head.
Anon his Thisby must be answerèd,
And forth my mimic comes. When they him spy,
As wild geese that the creeping fowler eye,
Or russet-pated choughs, many in sort,
Rising and cawing at the gun’s report,
Sever themselves and madly sweep the sky;
So at his sight away his fellows fly,
And at our stamp here o’er and o’er one falls;
He murder cries and help from Athens calls.
Their sense thus weak, lost with their fears thus strong,
Made senseless things begin to do them wrong,
For briers and thorns at their apparel snatch:
Some, sleeves — some, hats; from yielders all things catch.
I led them on in this distracted fear
And left sweet Pyramus translated there,
When in that moment (so it came to pass)
Titania waked, and straightway loved an a**.

Read the play here

2. Two Gentlemen Of Verona

two gentlemen of verona

Act 2, Scene 3

LAUNCE

Nay, ’twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial’s court.

I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear.

He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting.

Nay, I’ll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither.

Yes, it is so, it is so — it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on’t! There ’tis.

Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog — O, the dog is me, and I am myself.

Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: ‘Father, your blessing.’ Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father — well, he weeps on.

Now come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her — why, there ’tis: here’s my mother’s breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!

Read the play here

3. Comedy Of Errors

Comedy-of-Errors-Robson-and-Crane

Act 2, Scene 1

Dromio of Ephesus

I mean not cuckold-mad;
But, sure, he is stark mad.
When I desired him to come home to dinner,
He ask’d me for a thousand marks in gold:
”Tis dinner-time,’ quoth I; ‘My gold!’ quoth he;
‘Your meat doth burn,’ quoth I; ‘My gold!’ quoth he:
‘Will you come home?’ quoth I; ‘My gold!’ quoth he.
‘Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?’
‘The pig,’ quoth I, ‘is burn’d;’ ‘My gold!’ quoth he:
‘My mistress, sir’ quoth I; ‘Hang up thy mistress!
I know not thy mistress; out on thy mistress!’
Quoth my master:
‘I know,’ quoth he, ‘no house, no wife, no mistress.’
So that my errand, due unto my tongue,
I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders;
For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.

Read the play here

4. Love’s Labour’s Lost

two men in suits scrubbing a muscular man in blue shorts sitting on a chair - love's labour's lost

Act 3, Scene 1

Berowne

“And I, forsooth, in love!
I, that have been love’s whip,
A very beadle to a humorous sigh,
A critic, nay, a night-watch constable,
A domineering pedant o’er the boy,
Than whom no mortal so magnificent.
This wimpled, whining, purblind, wayward boy,
This signor-junior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid,
Regent of love-rimes, lord of folded arms,
The anointed sovereign of sighs and groans,
Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,
Dread prince of plackets, king of codpieces,
Sole imperator and great general
Of trotting paritors — O my little heart!
And I to be a corporal of his field,
And wear his colors like a tumbler’s hoop!
What? I love, I sue, I seek a wife!
A woman that is like a German clock,
Still a-repairing, ever out of frame,
And never going aright, being a watch,
But being watched that it may still go right!
Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all;
And, among three, to love the worst of all;
A whitely wanton with a velvet brow,
With two pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes.
Ay, and, by heaven, one that will do the deed,
Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard.
And I to sigh for her, to watch for her,
To pray for her! Go to, it is a plague
That Cupid will impose for my neglect
Of his almighty dreadful little might.
Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue, groan:
Some men must love my lady, and some Joan.”

Read the play here

5. A Midsummer Night’s Dream

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Conclusion

We hope you enjoyed the diverse and hilarious comedy monologues in this article. Let us know in the comments which monologues you liked the most. 

If you know other funny male monologues we should include in this list,  we would be happy to incorporate them.

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Check out our monologue collection below for more awesome monologues.