Last Of The Red Hot Lovers – Monologues (Barney)

All monologues are property and copyright of their owners. Monologues are presented on MightyActor for educational purposes only .

A monologue from the play by Neil Simon

Barney

Just sit there. Don’t talk, don’t cough, don’t even breath. Just sit there and shut up until I tell you you can go.

If I get nothing else from you today, it’s going to be your undivided goddamned attention.

I’m sure it will come as no great shock to you, but you are the first “attempted” extramarital affair for me in twenty-three years of marriage.

I’ve never even kissed another woman. In twenty-three years.

I got married to my high school sweetheart-and when have you heard that expression last-at the age of twenty-four, having gone steady with her since I was sixteen.

And how many experiences with other women do you think I’ve had prior to getting married?…One! I had one shot at it.

When I was eighteen my brother took me to an apartment in Newark, New Jersey, where I consorted with a forty-four-

year-old woman who greeted me lying naked on a brass bed reading the newspaper. It cost me seven dollars and I threw up all night.

I don’t smoke, I don’t gamble, and you’ve had more to drink this afternoon than I’ve had in my whole life.

I’ve never had a car accident, never had a fistfight, never had a broken bone, never had a temperature over a hundred and two…

Life has not only been very kind to me, it goes out of it’s way to ignore me…

I’ve got three kids I’m very proud of, a house I’ve worked very hard for and a wife who is not extraordinary,

not what you would call an exciting, vivacious woman, but one who is kind, considerate, devoted and that I happen to love.

So why after twenty-three years do I write my mother’s address on the back of a check, buy a bottle of Scotch with two glasses and pray to God I never get caught?

Why? I’ll tell you why…I don’t know. I’ve never had the urge before…Not true. I started getting the urge about five years ago.

Two years ago seriously. About a year ago I decided to give in to it, and the last six months conscientiously.

Read the play here

Check out our monologue archive below for more monologues.

BALD SOPRANO (MR. SMITH)WHAT THE BUTLER SAW (Dr. RANCE)
THE SPOTTED MAN (EUGENE)THE ACTOR’S NIGHTMARE (GEORGE)
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (CHRIS)ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD (ROSENCRANTZ)
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (JONATHAN)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (ALAN)
THE RELEASE OF A LIVE PERFORMANCE (BRENT)WOLF AT THE DOOR (GARTH)
THE ODD COUPLE (OSCAR 1)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (FRANCIS 1)
THE ODD COUPLE (OSCAR 2)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (FRANCIS 2)
THE COLORED MUSEUM (THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MISS ROJ)PETER PAN GOES WRONG (CHRIS)
PETER PAN GOES WRONG (DENNIS)PETER PAN GOES WRONG (ROBERT)
PETER PAN GOES WRONG (TREVOR)FEIFFER'S PEOPLE (HIPPIE)
COCKEYED (PHIL)COCKEYED (PHIL – 2)
GOD OF CARNAGE (ALAN 1)
GOD OF CARNAGE (ALAN 2)
GOD OF CARNAGE (MICHAEL)BRIGHTON BEACH MEMORIES (EUGENE)
THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE (CHRISTY)THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE (PADRAIC)
MOJO (BABY)GOD OF CARNAGE (MICHAEL 2)
BAD HABITS (HUGH)THE MARRIAGE OF BETTE AND BOO (FATHER DONNALLY)
I HATE HAMLET (ANDREW) BOY'S LIFE (PHIL)
BURN THIS (PALE)I OUGHT TO BE IN PICTURES (HERB)
LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS (BARNEY)LAUGHING WILD (A MAN)
THE MATCHMAKER (VANDERGELDER)THE NERD (WILLUM)
OH DAD, POOR DAD, MAMMA’S HUNG YOU IN THE CLOSET AND I’M FEELIN’ SO SAD (JONATHAN)THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE (HARRY)
Hurt Village (Skillet)LOOKING AGAIN (BILL)
PASTIME (CASEY) NOISES OFF (LLOYD 1)
BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS (EUGENE 2)NOISES OFF (LLOYD 2)
IT'S ONLY A PLAY (FRANK)SEX LIVES OF OUR PARENTS (ELLIOT)
FORTINBRAS (FORTINBRAS)GLORIA (SHAWN)
TANGO (STROMIL)THE VERI**ON PLAY (LARS)
SAY DE KOONING (WILLIE)APOSIOPESIS (MARCEL)
THE HUNTER’S MOON (SHEP)THE TWO-MAN KIDNAPPING RULE (VINCENT)
THE TIGER AMONG US (PAO)EDDIE MUNDO EDMUNDO (NYIN)
TROPICAL HEAT (ERIC)Codger Talk (Bob)
DONTRELL, WHO KISSED THE SEA (ROBBY)KODACHROME (ROBERT)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 1)PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (BLACK STACHE 1)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 2)PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (BLACK STACHE 2)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 3)My Fair Lady (Mr. Higgins)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (ADOLPHO)The Man Who Came To Dinner (Beverly)
FEIFFER’S PEOPLE (BERNARD)THE MAN WHO MARRIED A DUMB WIFE (LEONARD)
POOR JOHN (JOHN)THE PROFESSION (EUGENE)
ETA PHOENIX (GREG)PYGMALION (DOOLITTLE 1)
FADING JOY (EDDIE)PYGMALION (DOOLITTLE 2)
THE SPELLIN’ BEE DINNER WITH FRIENDS (TOM)
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY (ADAM 1)SAVAA (SPERANSKY)
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY (ADAM 2)THE GOAL (SIR STEPHEN)
THE WORKER (MAN)MOTHERF**ER WITH THE HAT (JACKIE)

Scroll to Top