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A monologue from the book by Dave Barry & Ridley Pearson (Adapted for the stage by Rick Elice)
Act 1, Scene 5
Stache
Brow. Well, fret not, mon frere – I’m a romantic! There’s a poet in these pirate veins, and so I plug into the muse.
(notices his fingernails; extends his right hand to Smee for a manicure) But what to do, which style to use?
Iambic? Box office poison. Haiku? SamurAI-don’t-think-so! (suddenly vicious to Smee, who has filed a nail a tad too far) Mind the cuticle, Smee – (Eureka!)
Hoopah! Got it! (a steely glare at ASTER) A pirate with scads of panache Wants the key to the trunk with the cash.
Now, here’s some advice, Tho’ I seem to be nice – I’LL CUT YOU!! (brandishes a straight razor at Aster’s throat)
Slit you up one side ‘n down the other so you can watch yer own stomach flop around on the deck. (Aster doesn’t flinch)
I say, Smee – you did explain to my lord that I’m a blood thirsty outlaw
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