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A monologue from the play by Neil Simon
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEKLY POKER GAME WITH THE BOYS, THE PHONE RINGS
Hello, Oscar the poker player!… Who? Who did you want?… Dabby? Dabby who?
…No, there’s no Dabby here…. Oh Daddy!
(to the poker boys) For Christ sakes it’s my kid!
(on the phone) Brucey, hello, baby. Yes, it’s Daddy!
(to the poker boys) Hey come on give me a break will ya? My five-year-old kid is calling from California. It must be costing him a fortune.
(on the phone) How’ve you been, sweetheart? Yes. I finally got your letter. It took three weeks. …. Yes, but next time tell mommy to give you a stamp….
I know, but you’re not supposed to draw it on.
(proud dad to others) Do you hear?
(on the phone) Mommy wants to speak to me? Right…. Take care of yourself, soldier. I love you…. Hello, Blanche, how are you?….
Yes, I have a pretty good idea why you’re calling. I’m a week behind with the check, right? …..Four weeks?
That’s not possible…. Because it’s not possible……
Blanche I keep a record of every check and I know I’m only three weeks behind! Blanche, I’m trying the best I can…
Blanche, don’t threaten me with jail, because it’s not a threat, with my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do…
Very nice in front of the kids, Blanche. Goodbye, Blanche…Just say goodbye, Blanche.
Hangs up the phone.
I’m eight hundred dollars behind in alimony, so let’s up the stakes.
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