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A monologue from the play by Neil Simon
Act 3
Oscar
(talking to Felix) I’ll tell you exactly what it is. It’s the cooking, cleaning and crying…. It’s the talking in your sleep,
it’s the moose calls that open your ears at two o’clock in the morning….I can’t take it anymore, Felix. I’m crackin’ up.
Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come in irritate me….
You leave me little notes on my pillow. I told you a hundred times, I can’t stand little notes on my pillow. “We’re all out of Corn Flakes. F.U.”….
It took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Unger…. It’s not your fault, Felix. It’s a rotten combination.
That’s just the frame. The picture I haven’t even painted yet…. I got a typewritten list in my office of the “Ten Most Aggravating Things You Do That Drive Me Berserk”….
But last night was the topper. Oh, that was the topper. Oh, that was the ever loving lulu of all times. Good. Because now I’m going to tell you off…
For six months I lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight rooms… I was dejected, despondent and disgusted…
Then you moved in. My dearest and closest friend…And after three weeks of close, personal contact—I am about to have a nervous breakdown!…
Do me a favor. Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, and your meat thermometer…
When you want to come out, ring a bell and I’ll run into the bedroom. I’m asking you nicely, Felix… As a friend… Stay out of my way!
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