The Nerd – Monologue (Willum)

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A monologue from the play by Larry Shue

Willum

Six days. Has it been just six days? To think—only a week ago, the day before my birthday (he gives a sad little laugh)

Tansy was leaving, the hotel design was being rejected and rejected … I found out I was being audited by the IRS—

and in my folly I imagined myself unhappy. He … he follows me. He seems to have unlimited time, unlimited funds — brother Bobs life savings, I guess —

he takes an interest in my work, he goes with me into town. The other day — I’m not sure I can even talk about this yet —

the other day, I had to take a commuter flight to St. Louis—that’s where they’re building the outside elevator for the Regency —

and Rick wanted to come along. So I said, well, okay, it wont be much fun, but—. So, Rick came along. Everything’s fine, he’s sitting next to me on the plane, a DC-8, I think.

He’s wearing a little pilots hat he bought at the airport; he’s leafing through a bound copy of Redbook. Then suddenly — suddenly the plane starts shaking,

the safety-belt lights come on — people are in fact starting to get alarmed. So what happens in the middle of this?

Rick jumps up, stands in the middle of the aisle, and shouts. (Finding it difficult to say.) and shouts —

“Urinate! . . . Urinate, or your kidneys will explode!” Honest to God. And I think—I mean I’m really pretty sure — some people did.

I mean, he was wearing this dumb little pilots hat, and that white shirt and tie he always wears. And, you know, in a panic situation like that—.

Anyway, naturally, the next thing we hear is the pilot saying,

“We experienced a little turbulence back there but we’re out of it now, and we’ll be landing in St. Louis in one minute.”

And Rick just sat down again, with no idea how many of those people wanted to murder him. I think he only escaped because the ones who really had the grounds didn’t want to stand up.

Read the play here

Check out our monologue archive below for more monologues.

BALD SOPRANO (MR. SMITH)WHAT THE BUTLER SAW (Dr. RANCE)
THE SPOTTED MAN (EUGENE)THE ACTOR’S NIGHTMARE (GEORGE)
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (CHRIS)ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD (ROSENCRANTZ)
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (JONATHAN)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (ALAN)
THE RELEASE OF A LIVE PERFORMANCE (BRENT)WOLF AT THE DOOR (GARTH)
THE ODD COUPLE (OSCAR 1)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (FRANCIS 1)
THE ODD COUPLE (OSCAR 2)ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (FRANCIS 2)
THE COLORED MUSEUM (THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MISS ROJ)PETER PAN GOES WRONG (CHRIS)
PETER PAN GOES WRONG (DENNIS)PETER PAN GOES WRONG (ROBERT)
PETER PAN GOES WRONG (TREVOR)FEIFFER'S PEOPLE (HIPPIE)
COCKEYED (PHIL)COCKEYED (PHIL – 2)
GOD OF CARNAGE (ALAN 1)
GOD OF CARNAGE (ALAN 2)
GOD OF CARNAGE (MICHAEL)BRIGHTON BEACH MEMORIES (EUGENE)
THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE (CHRISTY)THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE (PADRAIC)
MOJO (BABY)GOD OF CARNAGE (MICHAEL 2)
BAD HABITS (HUGH)THE MARRIAGE OF BETTE AND BOO (FATHER DONNALLY)
I HATE HAMLET (ANDREW) BOY'S LIFE (PHIL)
BURN THIS (PALE)I OUGHT TO BE IN PICTURES (HERB)
LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS (BARNEY)LAUGHING WILD (A MAN)
THE MATCHMAKER (VANDERGELDER)THE NERD (WILLUM)
OH DAD, POOR DAD, MAMMA’S HUNG YOU IN THE CLOSET AND I’M FEELIN’ SO SAD (JONATHAN)THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE (HARRY)
Hurt Village (Skillet)LOOKING AGAIN (BILL)
PASTIME (CASEY) NOISES OFF (LLOYD 1)
BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS (EUGENE 2)NOISES OFF (LLOYD 2)
IT'S ONLY A PLAY (FRANK)SEX LIVES OF OUR PARENTS (ELLIOT)
FORTINBRAS (FORTINBRAS)GLORIA (SHAWN)
TANGO (STROMIL)THE VERI**ON PLAY (LARS)
SAY DE KOONING (WILLIE)APOSIOPESIS (MARCEL)
THE HUNTER’S MOON (SHEP)THE TWO-MAN KIDNAPPING RULE (VINCENT)
THE TIGER AMONG US (PAO)EDDIE MUNDO EDMUNDO (NYIN)
TROPICAL HEAT (ERIC)Codger Talk (Bob)
DONTRELL, WHO KISSED THE SEA (ROBBY)KODACHROME (ROBERT)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 1)PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (BLACK STACHE 1)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 2)PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (BLACK STACHE 2)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 3)My Fair Lady (Mr. Higgins)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (ADOLPHO)The Man Who Came To Dinner (Beverly)
FEIFFER’S PEOPLE (BERNARD)THE MAN WHO MARRIED A DUMB WIFE (LEONARD)
POOR JOHN (JOHN)THE PROFESSION (EUGENE)
ETA PHOENIX (GREG)PYGMALION (DOOLITTLE 1)
FADING JOY (EDDIE)PYGMALION (DOOLITTLE 2)
THE SPELLIN’ BEE DINNER WITH FRIENDS (TOM)
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY (ADAM 1)SAVAA (SPERANSKY)
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY (ADAM 2)THE GOAL (SIR STEPHEN)
THE WORKER (MAN)MOTHERF**ER WITH THE HAT (JACKIE)

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