Cockeyed - Monologue (Phil

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A monologue from the play by William Missouri Downs

Phil

Hi, It’s Phil from Accounting. Oh well isn’t that something. I too like my green tea with sweet and low. You know I love when a product says what it is.

You know like it’s sweet but it’s also low. Like animal crackers. Right there in the name. Did I mention that I’m an accountant?

Yep, that’s me accounting, matter of fact I’m head of my accounting firm. Yep, that’s my wing. Ok, you caught me, I’m not an accountant.

I’m an accountant’s assistant. I majored in philosophy in college and I know that’s a major turnoff for women.

I once told a blind date that I majored in philosophy and she changed her identity so I wouldn’t call her again.

At least I didn’t major in English, she probably would have faked her own death. (laughs nervously) Oh Oh goodbye.

Read the play here

Check out our monologue archive below for more monologues.

BALD SOPRANO (MR. SMITH)	WHAT THE BUTLER SAW (Dr. RANCE)
THE SPOTTED MAN (EUGENE)	THE ACTOR’S NIGHTMARE (GEORGE)
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (CHRIS)	ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD (ROSENCRANTZ)
THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (JONATHAN)	ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (ALAN)
THE RELEASE OF A LIVE PERFORMANCE (BRENT)	WOLF AT THE DOOR (GARTH)
THE ODD COUPLE (OSCAR 1)	ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (FRANCIS 1)
THE ODD COUPLE (OSCAR 2)	ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS (FRANCIS 2)
THE COLORED MUSEUM (THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MISS ROJ)	PETER PAN GOES WRONG (CHRIS)
PETER PAN GOES WRONG (DENNIS)	PETER PAN GOES WRONG (ROBERT)
PETER PAN GOES WRONG (TREVOR)	FEIFFER'S PEOPLE (HIPPIE)
COCKEYED (PHIL)	COCKEYED (PHIL – 2)
GOD OF CARNAGE (ALAN 1)	GOD OF CARNAGE (ALAN 2)
GOD OF CARNAGE (MICHAEL)	BRIGHTON BEACH MEMORIES (EUGENE)
THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE (CHRISTY)	THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE (PADRAIC)
MOJO (BABY)	GOD OF CARNAGE (MICHAEL 2)
BAD HABITS (HUGH)	THE MARRIAGE OF BETTE AND BOO (FATHER DONNALLY)
I HATE HAMLET (ANDREW)	BOY'S LIFE (PHIL)
BURN THIS (PALE)	I OUGHT TO BE IN PICTURES (HERB)
LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS (BARNEY)	LAUGHING WILD (A MAN)
THE MATCHMAKER (VANDERGELDER)	THE NERD (WILLUM)
OH DAD, POOR DAD, MAMMA’S HUNG YOU IN THE CLOSET AND I’M FEELIN’ SO SAD (JONATHAN)	THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE (HARRY)
Hurt Village (Skillet)	LOOKING AGAIN (BILL)
PASTIME (CASEY)	NOISES OFF (LLOYD 1)
BRIGHTON BEACH MEMOIRS (EUGENE 2)	NOISES OFF (LLOYD 2)
IT'S ONLY A PLAY (FRANK)	SEX LIVES OF OUR PARENTS (ELLIOT)
FORTINBRAS (FORTINBRAS)	GLORIA (SHAWN)
TANGO (STROMIL)	THE VERI**ON PLAY (LARS)
SAY DE KOONING (WILLIE)	APOSIOPESIS (MARCEL)
THE HUNTER’S MOON (SHEP)	THE TWO-MAN KIDNAPPING RULE (VINCENT)
THE TIGER AMONG US (PAO)	EDDIE MUNDO EDMUNDO (NYIN)
TROPICAL HEAT (ERIC)	Codger Talk (Bob)
DONTRELL, WHO KISSED THE SEA (ROBBY)	KODACHROME (ROBERT)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 1)	PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (BLACK STACHE 1)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 2)	PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (BLACK STACHE 2)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (MAN IN CHAIR 3)	My Fair Lady (Mr. Higgins)
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (ADOLPHO)	The Man Who Came To Dinner (Beverly)
FEIFFER’S PEOPLE (BERNARD)	THE MAN WHO MARRIED A DUMB WIFE (LEONARD)
POOR JOHN (JOHN)	THE PROFESSION (EUGENE)
ETA PHOENIX (GREG)	PYGMALION (DOOLITTLE 1)
FADING JOY (EDDIE)	PYGMALION (DOOLITTLE 2)
THE SPELLIN’ BEE	DINNER WITH FRIENDS (TOM)
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY (ADAM 1)	SAVAA (SPERANSKY)
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY (ADAM 2)	THE GOAL (SIR STEPHEN)
THE WORKER (MAN)	MOTHERF**ER WITH THE HAT (JACKIE)