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A monologue from the play by Neil Simon
HERB
(Looks at her, then looks away, trying to figure her out) Libby, can I ask you a serious personal question? Do you honestly believe that anybody in this business-
a director, a producer, a cameraman, anybody- is going to call someone for an audition because they left their name on the back of a valet parking ticket?
YOU HAVE NO CHANCE! NONE!
There are five thousand qualified agents in this town who can’t get their clients a meeting with these people but you think they’re going to call you
because you left your name on the back of a stub they’re going to throw out the window the minute they pull out of the driveway?
(Trying to control himself) Okay! For the sake of an argument, let us say someone looks at the card.
Someone is looking for a valet service for his son’s bar mitzvah. Someone just met a girl at a party and wants to write down her number.
Someone has a piece of spare rib in his teeth and is trying to pick it out with the card. Only a small percentage of that group will look at the back of the card.
But let’s say one does. He sees, “Libby Tucker, New York trained actress- No Part Is Too Big Or Too small.”
Do you imagine he’s going to slam his foot on the brake, pull off the road and say to his wife, “That’s exactly what I’m looking for.
An actress trained in New York who doesn’t care if her part is too big or too small. Right under my nose in my very own car.
What a break for me. I’ll contact her first thing in the morning and hope and pray that someone else with spare ribs in their teeth didn’t get to her before me!
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