Shrek – Monologue (Donkey)

A monologue from the screenplay by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Joe Stillma, and Roger S. H. Schulman


The rules are very simple, whoever spots a horse and cart along the road (suddenly) Punch buggy!

(punches Shrek’s arm) Fun, right? (Beat) Haven’t you ever been on a road trip? Man, you need to get out more, because Punch buggy!

(punches Shrek’s arm again). I gotcha with that wagon of hay over there. See, that’s another reason you need me around.

Who else is gonna fill you in on all the fun stuff you missed out on? You may not know it, but you are one lucky ogre to meet up with – (he is punched in the arm by Shrek)

Ow! Mother Hubbard, that hurt! Maybe we should move on to I Spy, or I Went on a Picnic, or something that isn’t gonna put me in a body-cast.

(He smells something) Whew! Shrek! Was that you? Man! You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off!

My mouth was open and everything! (Beat) Yeah, right…brimstone. Don’t be talkin’ it’s the brimstone, I know what I smell and it wasn’t no brimstone.

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