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A monologue from the screenplay written by Will Ferrell and Adam Mckay
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers in the South call you: ‘Hey-suz’. We thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell.
I just want to take time to say thank you for my family: my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome striking sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him.
And, of course, my red hot smokin’ wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox, who if you would rate her ass on 100, it would easily be a 94. I also want to thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr, who’s got my back no matter what…
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife’s father Chip. We hope that you can use your Baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always botherin’ with it. Dear Tiny Infant Jesus…’
‘Well, look, I like the Christmas Jesus best when I’m sayin’ grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grown-up Jesus, or Teenage Jesus, or Bearded Jesus, or whoever you want.’
‘Dear Tiny Jesus, in your golden fleece diapers with your tiny, little fat balled up fists…Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me? I win the races and I get the money.’
‘OK. Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Infant Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. We just thank you for all the races I’ve won and the $21.2 million dollars…
LOVE THAT MONEY that I have accrued over this past season.
Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention PowerAde at each grace, I just wanna say that PowerAde is delicious and it cools you off on a hot summer day and we look forward to PowerAde’s release of mystic mountain blueberry.
Thank you, for all your power and your grace, Dear Baby God, Amen.’