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A monologue from the play by Anton Chekhov
NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Contemporary One-Act Plays. Ed. Lewis, B. Roland. New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1922.
SMIRNOV
I don’t understand how to behave in the company of ladies. Madam, in the course of my life I have seen more women than you have sparrows. Three times have I fought duels for women, twelve I jilted and nine jilted me.
There was a time when I played the fool, used honeyed language, bowed and scraped. I loved, suffered, sighed to the moon, melted in love’s torments.
I loved passionately, I loved to madness, loved in every key, chattered like a magpie on emancipation, sacrificed half my fortune in the tender passion, until now the devil knows I’ve had enough of it.
Your obedient servant will let you lead him around by the nose no more. Enough! Black eyes, passionate eyes, coral lips, dimples in cheeks, moonlight whispers, soft, modest sights–for all that, madam, I wouldn’t pay a kopeck!
I am not speaking of present company, but of women in general; from the tiniest to the greatest, they are conceited, hypocritical, chattering, odious, deceitful from top to toe; vain, petty, cruel with a maddening logic and in this respect, please excuse my frankness, but one sparrow is worth ten of the aforementioned petticoat-philosophers.
When one sees one of the romantic creatures before him he imagines he is looking at some holy being, so wonderful that its one breath could dissolve him in a sea of a thousand charms and delights; but if one looks into the soul–it’s nothing but a common crocodile.
But the worst of all is that this crocodile imagines it is a masterpiece of creation, and that it has a monopoly on all the tender passions. May the devil hang me upside down if there is anything to love about a woman!
When she is in love, all she knows is how to complain and shed tears. If the man suffers and makes sacrifices she swings her train about and tries to lead him by the nose.
You have the misfortune to be a woman, and naturally you know woman’s nature; tell me on your honor, have you ever in your life seen a woman who was really true and faithful? Never!
Only the old and the deformed are true and faithful. It’s easier to find a cat with horns or a white woodcock, than a faithful woman.
