The Trouble With Cashews – Monologue (Paul)

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A monologue from the play by David MacGregor

At a family gathering, Paul vents to his sister Tara as he watches their Aunt Dorothy eat from a bowl of assorted nuts and realizes that humanity is doomed.

PAUL

Just look…right over there. What do you see? Just watch her… there! She did it again! What, do you think I’m losing my mind? I know it’s an old woman, sitting at a table, drinking a glass of wine, and eating some nuts from a bowl.

Anyone can see that. But look more closely. Watch when she goes for a nut. And…she did it again! Seriously? You don’t see it? Okay, let me ask you something. What’s in that bowl?

Nuts. Now, what kind of nuts? Assorted nuts. You get me? Please tell me you’re beginning to understand … there! Did you see that? She’s only eating the cashews! That bowl is full of assorted nuts.

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So, what does that typically mean? It means there’s peanuts, almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts, and cashews. Does that sound about right? Now, is it just a random assortment?

Equal amounts of every nut? No! It’s mostly peanuts. Now, why would that be? Listen, I know you’re not some kind of nut expert, but it means that peanuts must be the easiest to grow and the cheapest to harvest and people like them less than other nuts.

Of all the nuts in that bowl, what kind of nut do people like the most? Cashews. Aunt Dorothy is deliberately eating only the most expensive and tastiest nuts. And the worst part?

She knows what she’s doing. That’s why she keeps looking around to see if anyone is watching. It would be one thing if she was so out of it that she was only eating the nuts she liked best, you know, like a chimp or something.

But she knows what she’s doing. And it would be okay if it was just Aunt Dorothy eating all of the cashews at a family party, but there are plenty of people out there in the world just like her.

People who not only want their fair share, they want everyone else’s share too. In fact, do you know what we’re witnessing here? The end of humanity.

The total and complete destruction of human beings as a species. It may be just a bowl of nuts to you, but we are doomed. Completely and utterly doomed.