Victoria Martin: Math Team Queen – Monologue (Victoria)

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A monologue from the play by Kathryn Walat

VICTORIA (teen)

Victoria is a high school student who’s interested mostly in being popular.

She thinks the math team is a bunch of geeks, and she is not altogether sure she wants to join them.

I’m popular. Like totally, undisputedly popular. Like, I walk down the hallways, and even though I’m a sophomore,

there are seniors — senior guys, with deep voices — who say: Hey. Sometimes they say: Hey, Vickie, what’s up? Like, they know my name.

OK, so mostly they’re on the basketball team so they know my boyfriend, who is totally varsity first string, even though he’s only a junior,

because this fall while the other guys were playing football all he did was practice his free-throws, because he’s a one-sport guy. Scott. He’s totally into me.

And that’s why I’m a sophomore and those senior jocks know my name, but it’s not like I’m one of those slutty girls

whose names all the guys know, and plus I totally have girlfriends too. I’m friends with the Jens.

Who are on the varsity cheerleading squad, even though they’re sophomores, mostly because all the juniors

who tried out this year had “weight issues” so forget trying to get them up in a pyramid — plus, the Jens are very, very peppy.

They know how to do that thing where they toss their ponytails, and depending on the toss, it’s either like: Whatever, I am so walking away from you.

Or, it’s like: See this swish? That’s right, this ponytail says: I will see you later. I understand this distinction. I am not a cheerleader.

But I know this. I have secured my place in the high school universe, after the very volatile freshman year, which the Jens and I refer to as: Versaille.

Like, the Treaty of Versaille? You know — World War I, European power struggle, third period history with Mr. Delano —

that’s where we met, our desks, in a row, across the back of the room: Jen-Me-Jen. Yesterday at the math meet?

All of that was suddenly meaningless. This one kid had an equation on his T-shirt. The quadratic formula, across his back.

I know! I mean, nerd central, all math geeks, and I was the only girl. Except for these two on the other team, who would only speak to each other.

In binary. For fun. And when I was in the girls’ bathroom and I totally just got my period, and had to ask one of them for a pad, they just giggled.

And so I had to stuff all of this scratchy school-grade toilet paper into my underwear and meanwhile, I almost missed the sophomore round of questions,

because they put all the room numbers in Roman numerals. For fun. And when I finally got there, I was sitting up next to this kid,

who kept clicking his retainer, and it was driving me crazy, and I was like — (Suddenly the rest of the team is there. She turns and speaks to them.) I don’t do headgear, OK?

Read the play here

Check out our monologue archive below for more monologues.

ALL KIDDING ASIDE (SCOTTY)CONTAINER OF SHARKS! (JOYCE)
I THINK I LOVE YOU (SIBOBAN)I THINK I LOVE YOU (SIBOBAN – 2)
THIS IS HOW YOU GOT ME NAKED (JACKIE)MONSTER (NESSA)
TEEN (JEANNIE)PROVENANCE (PITY)
DUSTY AND THE BIG BAD WORLD (LIZZIE)HOME OF THE GREAT PECAN (PRISCILLA)
SURFACE TENSION (WOMAN)ALL THIS INTIMACY (JEN)
KID-SIMPLE (MOLL)VICTORIA MARTIN: MATH TEAM QUEEN (VICTORIA)
THE AMISH PROJECT (VELDA)CARTOON (ESTHER)
HOLD ME (KATY)DOG SEES GOD: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE BLOCKHEAD (VAN’S SISTER)
AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY (VIOLET)HELLO (ALICE)
SKID MARKS: A PLAY ABOUT DRIVING (JILLIAN)PUFFS, OR SEVEN INCREASINGLY EVENTFUL YEARS AT A CERTAIN SCHOOL OF MAGIC AND MAGIC (MEGAN)
FINAL DRESS REHEARSAL (DIRECTOR)PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (MOLLY)
THE MONOLOGUE SHOW (FROM HELL) (LOLA)THE AUDITIONERS (AUDITIONER #2)
HOW I GOT THAT PART (BETH)SPACE GIRL (ARUGULA)
SEZ SHE (ACTRESS)YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN (SALLY)