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A monologue from the play by Lindsay Price
Jillian confronts her car.
Herman, I want you to listen up and listen good. We’re going for a drive and you’re not going to give me any grief. You’re going to start properly.
You’re not going to stall. You’re not going to make those knock, knock, cha-ping noises like last time.
I know you were just doing it to spite me ‘cause I took you to the mechanic and the mechanic said there was nothing wrong! So there’s no point in making knock, knock, cha-ping noises.
I’m on to you now. I know the little game you’re trying to play. But who’s in charge here Herman? Who’s got the keys? Is it Jillian or Herman?
Jillian or Herman? JillianHerman? I could put you in a no-park zone, let you get towed and never collect you.
How’d you like that, huh? I could take you to the wrong side of town and leave you all alone with the windows down and the keys in the ignition.
That wouldn’t be nice would it? Would it? So you just better behave yourself from now on. No more knock, knock, cha-ping noises.
No more chugha-ka-sloughing. No more wheeza, wheeza, humpa humpa znack znack znack when we’re going up hills. No more flashing the oil light when the oil is full and fine.
I HATE that. And absolutely no more spitting gas when I’m filling the tank. Oh I can hear you snickering, Herman, when I’m standing there covered in gas but it is so not funny.
Not funny. Repeat after me please. I will not spit gas on Jillian when she is trying to fill the tank. (she listens) Don’t mumble! (she listens) Thank you.
There. I’m glad we had this little talk. I hope we can continue working on our relationship and put this little difficulty behind us. All right then.
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