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A monologue from the play by Jack Frakes
The director is loud, frustrated, the distraught type, trying to be orderly and businesslike and tries to keep everything going smoothly, but the lights are lagging, stage crew and cast members arrive late, and the sassy stage crew is noisy. The degree of humor of what goes wrong is largely dependent on the director’s reactions to the frustrations.
All right! All right! Let’s get this show on the road! Let’s get started! Hey, stage manager, let’s turn on some lights! (lights off) Now quit that!
I said I want light, stage manager, liiiiights! (lights on) There! That’s better! All right, Stage Manager, nobody likes a smart aleck! We’ve got to get this rehearsal started.
Hear me, Stage Manager? Or are you hiding from me again? Stage Manager, we’re in a hurry! Where is my stage manager!! Oh. Now look!-
We’re running late and this is the final dress rehearsal. Turn on some more lights. Now get the cast on stage for roll call. All ready for roll call.
We’ll start with the technical crew. Stage Manager? Is all your crew here? Good…good. Prompter? Prompter! I’m calling roll. No one ever talks while I’m calling roll.
Sound effects girl? Wardrobe and Props girl? Oh okay, Makeup Girl? All right, now for the cast members. The Stepmother? What’s wrong with your nose?
It looks terrible! You look like a big silly bird. Moving on…Younger Sister? Godmother? Fairy Godmother! What is wrong with your dress?!
It looks horrid! No Fairy Godmother would ever look like that. And, Fairy Godmother, adjust your crown-it looks silly. Okay, good!
(Like a football coach) All right, cast. This is it. This is the final dress rehearsal. It’s important that you concentrate and stay in character.
Keep the show moving at all costs. Remember, I’ll be out front watching. Watching every move you make. Pulling and rooting for you all the way down the line.
Tonight’s the night-the final dress . So give it the old stuff! The old oompa! (With gesture) All right-places!
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