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A monologue from the play by Stephen Bittrich
PRISCILLA (seventeen-eighteen)
It’s 1983 and Priscilla Rottweiller is soon to be crowned as her city’s favorite daughter or The Pecan Queen in Seguin, Texas.
She is now practicing her acceptance speech in front of the mirror in the bathroom at her house.
(Presenting a delicate, thoughtful address) Thank you. Thank you, one and all. I’d like to thank the members of the selection committee for this great honor.
I am sure it could not have been an easy decision considering all of the intelligent, beautiful contenders for the crown—
(as she nods to each of the losers) —Tawnya Blackhorn, DeAndra Loogan, Cynthia Morales. wonderful, wonderful competitors all.
I pledge that I will wear the crown of Pecan Queen with pride and distinction for the year to come. No thank you speech would be complete without thanking my dear, dear family—
my baby brother, Deke, my father, head engineer of Structural Metals, Inc.— (waving to Daddy) Hi, Daddy.
And lastly, but certainly not leastly, my mother, who, by example, has taught me the true meaning of womanhood—
(acknowledging a knock at the bathroom door, her angelic demeanor turns Satanic) WHAAAAAAAT!
Oh for the love of God, Mother, just start dinner without me! I’m in the middle of my speech! I’ll be down in a minute! Comprende inglese?
(She lets loose a huge, painful sigh, as she tries to recompose that sweet, dutiful demeanor and remember where she left off in the speech.)
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, my mother, who by example has taught me the true meaning of womanhood.
Je t’aime, ma mere. I think it was that wise philosopher, Camus, who said, “This is the dog’s d*ck.” (beat) Oh, my.
Did I just say, “d*ck?” Mercy me. I have just said “d*ck” and turned you all into horny toads. D*ck, d*ck, d*ck. Dog’s d*ck.
(like she is doing a newsflash) “Pecan Queen shocks the world—says ‘d*ck’ in front of an adoring crowd of onlookers.”
Now that I’m Pecan Queen, there are going to be a few changes around here. First of all, DeAndra Loogan, you will carry my train for the entire year—
always following a respectful twenty-eight steps behind. I have a veeery long train. where was I? Ah, yes, of course.
This will be the year when the Pecan Queen makes a difference. This will be the year when the Pecan Queen takes some action—
solves World Hunger. World Peace. And combats gaucherie in all its forms. This I promise.
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